What NOT to Expect When You are Expecting

Oh that magical wedding day, most of us girls dream about from the time we see a Brides magazine in 4th grade and decide to start making a wedding scrapbook of all the dresses you think are pretty. 

No? Just me? 

Fine. I digress.

I look at my wedding pictures and sincerely do see the three gleams of my children in my eyes. I thought I had it all figured out-life was no longer a mystery to this 21 year old bride!

I had no idea. Like, none. A grand total of zero ideas.

Something I  noticed during my stay at the hospital after delivering all three of my little angels was, that it seems like all the nurses that have to “check” you-post delivery are cute, young and named “Jordan."

Worse yet, Jordyn with a "Y."

You know, nurse “Jordyn,”  the one who  prances in smelling like the newest Brittney Spears perfume and wearing bon-e-bell lip gloss, weighing, what you guess to be, approximately the size of your right leg. (That is, if you could actually feel your legs. #epiduralprobs)

Yeah, her.

As if we need anymore humbling moments!  Picture it: there you lay, in your backless hospital gown, sleep deprived, wearing a pad the size of a pampers swaddler and a pair of manufactured gauz underwear, absolutely glowing.

Glowing!

Is there anything like passing a child out of something that, up until that monumental day, you were to hold sacred like a flower garden only to now have an adorable,  22 year old be-what feels like-elbow deep in checking you uterus and your bandaging your incisions.

Look, Jordyn,  I know that there is probably not a pic of this  on your wedding Pinterest board, but I just crapped on a table with my entire family watching as if it were an action 

sci-fi movie, and now, they  have sent me the cutest girl at the sorority house to remind me of what a gigantic bleeding monster I have become and how my legs are now dead weight and that I haven't brushed my hair in days.


This is it, Jordyn, the part they leave out in all the Brides magazines, take some time to make a mental note. Now, go take a selfie to post on “insta” and talk to your bae on facetime! You will need the evidence that there was once a time when you were young, free and actually liked your husband!

But while you are here, let me add that your best days are still ahead of you-just wait and see!
.......while you are at it, grab me some more of that amazing hospital ice and two Vicodin. 

Thanks.