Our Nesting Place

So I have started reading a  decorating book 

by Myquillyn Smith aka "The Nester" called The Nesting Place.

What you should first know is that I love looking at houses and admiring home decor what you should also know is that I know nothing about decorating a home.  

I stroll through Target, Home Goods, Pottery Barn, and Hobby Lobby admiring all the cute home nicknacks and am also paralyzed by them at the same time.

I don't understand the concepts of decorating. The way things should be position, the colors that should be paired together, or how to choose the right paint for the size of room.

I am not a risk taker-at least when it comes to home decor.

I play it safe in various tones of beige.  My philosophy is that if I keep my walls in the beige family, then I can change up my furniture without having to repaint.

I am sure those of you who are decorators are appalled by that concept.   You are probably thinking, "The fun is in the paint color!!"

I am going to get over you..

Oh Lord, I am going to try to tackle a subject that is
deeply personal and yet universal in all of our lives.

Heart break.

 I have avoided this kind of sharing because lots of people read this blog that I know-
like know personally.

My parents, my siblings, my grandma, my in laws, family members, friends, pastors, and lots of people that just plain know me.

It's easier to write to strangers about personal things... WHY IS THAT?

I will try to keep this light-intertwined with perspective and just enough detail to keep you interested.


My first real heart break comes to you from way back....back in the day, as they say.
We were High School Sweethearts- together for 3 years but in my mind, I had  our wedding planned,  our kids named, and had already made lots of other plans for our long life together.

In all my daydreaming, I  had practically perfected a beautifully signed signature with his last name attached to mine in preparation for all the  future Christmas cards, checks, permission slips,
we would sign someday.

As per usual, I lived in a world called SOMEDAY.

I had just transferred to a new college 4 hours from home and was conflicted
 with emotions.    You see, my long time boyfriend and I had decided that a
long distance relationship was not in the stars for us.

At least I think we decided.  It seemed logical.
Fine.

I think that, for my part, I didn't take our agreement to part ways as serious as he did.  I thought things would stay the same-we just wouldn't have the titles.  I would live 4 hours away and we would see each other once a month, when I came to town to get my braces tightened. 
(This shows you that it's been a while since I have been in the dating game. I was an infant.)

In my foggy haze of denial, I packed up my Honda CR-V  and left my little town- headed  250 miles away. It never occurred to me that I was closing a big chapter of my life.
 I thought nothing would change-nothing ever changes when you are 19 years old. 

In my delusion, I settled into my new dorm, met new friends, and was learning more about my new found independence on my own in a new place.  

I wish I could say that the guy that broke my heart was a real jerk.  I wish I could say that he was no good and trouble with a capital T, but the truth is, he was a sweet boy who treated me like gold.  He never raised his voice to me and always went along with any idea or plan I had made.  He was gentle and attentive and by all accounts thought I was the cat's meow.

Growing up is tough because you change.  When you are 16,17, 18, 19 years old, you just don't see yourself as changing.  (I think this is true for when you are 34 as well.) You think that you have learned all there is to know about life and the reality is-you don't.. like at all.
You know nothing.

Breaking up was hard for both of us.  Like I said, I digested my pain with denial and he digested his pain with well, reality.   While my head was in the clouds imagining how our first child's nursery would be decorated, he was actually moving on.

I remember where I was in my dorm when I heard that he had started seeing someone else.  I was shocked!  I was devastated.
The down side to not accepting reality is that the world doesn't play along with you.

He had moved on without me.

He was not a monster-he just kept going on with his life.  His world did not stop when I moved away.

I spent at least a month in my pink bathrobe watching Hope Floats on a 13 inch TV/VCR combo set. The movie would end and I would rewind it and watch it again.  It was pathetic-I was pathetic.

I just laid there in waded up snot rags feeling sorry for myself.

I tortured myself by thinking of all the new things he was doing with this new girl in my town-OUR TOWN! Hanging out with my friends-our friends!  I would go back home each month and would be smothered with memories and grieve him as if he was dead.
I would beg God to not let me run into him and in the next breath, beg God to let me run into him.

Some wise musicians of my generation Kriss Kross would say I was "wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!"

I had to grieve all those things I had dreamed about for us.  I had to learn to live with memories and know that -that was all they would ever be.  I would only see him from my life's rear view mirror, that seemed to be getting farther and farther away from what once was.

I don't know why it is, that when you are heartbroken you can't see how irrational you are acting?

 You create scenarios in your mind, like the ones you have seen in the movies where the one that breaks your heart, changes their minds and comes running back to you.  (In those scenarios in my head it always included rain, a rock, and a bedroom window.)   You pray that they will regret it someday and that there is a moment in their future where they will realize that you were the best thing that ever happened to them. 

You are absolutely certain that every song about heartbreak is specifically written about you. 

Everything about your life will feel like a Taylor Swift  music video.

Here is the reality about heartbreak:  It sucks.  There is nothing worse.  You can't fix it.  You can't hide from it.  It will have you asking all your friends if they think you are prettier than the new girl out of complete and total desperation.
Here is the reality check you have all been waiting for... Take a few months and wallow. Eat pizza and gallons of whatever kind of icecream you want. Watch chick flix and sob.  Look at old pictures and remember.  Talk to your friends.

Then.. get your sorry butt up and get over it.

You have too much going for you to waste it in la la land.  You  need to be brave and walk straight through it.


Heartbreak leaves us with scars.  They don't really heal exactly the same, you walk with limp.  You are different.

You learn. You grow. You keep walking.
You learn to live with the limp and after a while, you get used to it.

If I had to go back and change anything, I wouldn't.  I needed that dose of reality, I needed to learn that having my head in the clouds isn't always so dreamy.  I learned to see reality and appreciate people in my life and what they teach me even if it is only for short time.

I still walk with a limp but I still keep walking.  I have learned that what lies ahead of me is far greater than what I leave behind.

If you are dealing with a broken heart I want to encourage you to keep walking straight through it.

You can and you will get through this.

Keep walking.. your future is waiting!  Spoiler Alert....it all turns out exactly the way it should! 



Currently listening to: I'm Going To Get Over You by Sara Bareilles

I QUIT!

Here is a question:

Is MORE better?

In your life, what does MORE look like?

MORE.... 

work

money

volunteers

kids

friends

time

sleep

programming

furniture

books

classes

clothes

shoes

chocolate

I don't know about you but I spend a ton of time dreaming about MORE, which I am realizing means I am not content with what I HAVE.

(This is not to sound preachy... at all.)

I love MORE MORE MORE!  I am the most guilty!

Is it me, or does it feel like the MORE _____________ you get, the MORE complicated life gets.

I think this is true for everything.

When I worked for church, I thought the more classes, more events, more outings, more volunteers, and more people that we had, the better our ministries would be.

What I learned was we burned out.

We did too much.

In doing too much, we didn't do a whole lot of anything with excellence, we just did it half way-for the sake of doing it.


I was tired, my team was tired, and we didn't have the energy to do anything anymore.

I spent a lot of time talking about how PRO FAMILY I was-and the church was, but everything we did cancelled out what we said and made it seem we were actually ANTI FAMILY.

The more programming and events we offered, the more people it took to pull it off, the people (the families) who worked so hard for us, never had a chance to be home together.

We were stretching them thin, rushing their time for dinner, for homework, time to just be in the same room together.


You can fill in the blanks of what MORE has done in your own professional and personal life.

I imagine a merry go round, spinning around and around, faster and faster, then realizing that it's going too fast and you are feeling "woozy."  It's hard to get the merry go round to stop, there has been too much force and momentum building up to where you find yourself.  There are other people involved!  They might be enjoying the ride and you feel bad about wanting them to stop-so you can get off!

Sure! You can stay on the ride...  but you will end up puking all over your friends and who wants to clean that mess up?  I would rather make some people mad, than have them clean up my mess.

Simplify.  Do just ONE thing (THE MOST IMPORTANT THING) with excellence, then add something else.

TIP:
Ask yourself what the most important thing in your life is and quit everything else until you are doing that one thing with excellence.

I recently decided to do this. For the last 6 months I have stepped away from everything on my calendar.  I am not committed to doing anything.  My life has been a big ball of clutter and it was wearing me down.  I has not been easy-in fact it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  I am a YES person.  I never say NO.  .........and that finally caught up to me.

I can tell you that my time looks differently and that I am finally finding time do things that I love again.

Sometimes, you just gotta rebuild yourself.

There was a book mark I had when I was in middle school that said

"THE MAIN THING IS TO KEEP THE MAIN THING, THE MAIN THING."

What is it for you?

Maybe it's your health.
So drop everything that is cluttering up your ability to focus on diet and exercise, so that you can focus on it!

Maybe it's your time-maybe you feel like your calendar is running your life.
So cancel appointments, quit signing up for things, get yourself in control of your time, THEN add to
 it.

Let's stop the glorification of more.

Currently listening to: CONSTANT

Choose YOU

13 years ago TODAY, Adam surprised me, by showing up to the daycare that I was working at, handed a pink rose to every 2 year old in my class and asked me to marry him....

I was 21 and he was 23.

Infants.

I have been thinking about the things that every young bride should know about before she gets engaged...especially since my daughters are obsessed with The 19 Kids and Counting, Duggar Daughters and their talk about Courtship and I was obsessed with the recent reality series "Married at First Sight"
I decided here has to be a happy medium between all that and what I consider "normal."


Here are just a few (some serious and some sarcastic funny) legit pointers off the top of my head (in no particular order)


1. Stop rushing.  Stop it.  I mean it... What on earth is your hurry!?!?!  Go get an apartment and live by yourself for at least a year!  Decorate it as girly as you want!
2. If you have it in your head that your marriage will look like a television show couple, I have a couple of suggestions :
* Stop. You are not ready for marriage. I mean this in the kindest way-You are delusional. Go be young! Revisit marriage in a few more years.  Those people are fictional characters who have people who literally write the words that come out of their mouths, do their hair and makeup, and you need to spend time in a real life situation.

3. Make a  monthly budget, then, each of you write out how you would spend the money-then compare them.
-What are the biggest differences in your priorities?  Talk amongst yourselves.

4. Move furniture together.
My new husband insisted on solving the Pythagorean  Theorem to decide if we should move our bed to the corner of the bedroom.

I just blinked.
Who was this nerd I traded my last name for?

5. How your guy treats his mother and sister is a good indication of how he will eventually treat you (and your future daughter/s)

Take notice.

6. In general, he should do everything you ask (with enthusiasm).

This will come in handy for pregnancy cravings and monthly sweet/salty needs-mostly.

This also includes (but not limited to)

- diet coke fountain drinks
- feminine hygiene products
- diapers
- baby formula
- printer ink
- pickles and chips
- cake
- Starbucks
- batteries
- peanuts and candy corn
- prescription and over the counter meds.


7. Once a week, sit down and compare calendars. It sounds very "business-like" but it's necessary.
Practice doing life together.  See if your priorities match up.

8. Watch carefully how he interacts with babies and small children!
This one is a biggie! It will make or break you in the middle of the night when your newborn has colic or your 2 year old has barfed all over your bed.

It's 2014, people! Dad's should be able to do anything and everything a mom can do!

I know if I dropped dead today, my husband would know exactly what to do with our kids.

Other than fix the girl's hair. He sucks at that.


9. How do they interact with YOUR family?

10. How do they interact with your friends?

11. How do they encourage you to have  your own hobbies?

12. What kind of fighter are they?

-passive?
-angry?
-shut down?
-fair?

13. What bad habits do they have that you think will change when you get married?

Stop. Go to counseling right  now.

14. Practice talking.  Be specific.  

Tell him exactly what you mean by details.
"Fine"  "Yes" "Good" "No" or any other 1 word answers are not good enough.

As a general rule of thumb, most men do not know that when you ask "How was it?" that you are really asking:

-Who was there
-What were they wearing
-Who looked the best
-Who looked the worst
-Who said what
-Did you see anyone that I know
-What did you say
-What did they say
-Did they talk about me
-What did you eat
-What did they eat
-How were the bathrooms

You know... just stuff like that.

15.  Do you generally like to be around them?

  Like, how is your actual friendship status?  I can tell you that this one will make or break you...

There will be a time, sooner than later, when you will look into the eyes of the father of your children and wonder how you could possibly murder him and not get caught...and it will be your friendship that saves him.

That, and the thought of the narrator of SNAPPED telling your story on Oxygen.
16. And finally, before you think that the romance is dead and the "honeymoon" is over...remember:

Romance is changing the gauze from a Csection because your wife can't see over her post pregnancy flab. It's going to Kroger to get sweets at 10pm because she has a sweet tooth. It's jumping in and subbing in any given kids ministry class when your wife is the kids pastor and has no other option. It's never complaining when she needs out of the house and away from the children.
It's doing the dishes every night because you know she absolutely hates it. It's never opening your mouth when your wife's side of the room is an explosion of clothes and you wonder if she will ever pick it up.
Marriage is straight up hard... you will want to give up... MANY times.  Brides magazine will not tell you any of this, because they want you to think that your wedding is just the start of a magical fairy tale life with Prince Charming.

While you are dreaming  of all that... might I encourage you to plan harder for the marriage!?  

Now go!  Be young and naive!  None of this pertains to you!  You and your new husband WILL be the ones that always have a super clean house, a bank full of money, kids that are born potty trained and never cry. Breakfast will always be in bed, and dishes will never be dirty, while fresh baked pies will always be cooling in your window. Vacations will be endless and you will wake up in the morning with minty fresh breath, a full face of make up and not a hair out of place.

Yup. (wink)

Motivation and Effort- I HATE YOU.

I don't like to run.

Runners find dead people.

It's true!  It is always "the local runner" that discovers the dead body at the park that we hear about on the news.

I prefer swimming and aerobics.

Well, no, I take that back, I prefer laying on the couch and watching television.

With that said, I was running/walking/thinking on the treadmill yesterday and I decided that the hardest part of working out is the process of getting ready to work out.

It isn't the actual activity itself... it's the moments leading up to getting your shoes on, (and all the other support devices you need) and getting  a bottle of water poured.

It's a lot of effort...

(To be fair: you should note that I feel this exact same way about getting my children ready to play in the snow as well.)

Just as a rule of thumb, I  hate effort- period.

I have friends that live for physical activity and sweat and whole foods and gluten free.

Me, I like the poisonous, antibiotic filled food.

Poptarts.
Chips.
Chicken Nuggets.
Bagged shredded cheese.
Diet Coke.


That is who I am.  

I sit in my car at the stop light and watch the half naked fitness enthusiasts jog by me  as I stuff my face with a quarter-pounder (with cheese, thank you very much) and wonder if they know that, either way, sweat or not, they will die and will not live forever-and then, the very next thought I have is why can't I be like them!?

Motivation is a "bear dog" that I have been fighting for my absolute entire life.

I wonder what it would be like if your legs didn't touch when you walk and what kind of chaffing cream Jennifer Aniston uses?

Oh wait....

In the meantime, I am gonna keep climbing this gigantic mountain of health and self improvement because I think that my brain benefits...


but I still hate it.


Now if you need me....I need to go get ready.. sigh.

GO!

Currently Listening to: SHAKE IT OFF

The Happiness Advantage

Dream jobs DO exsist!  I got the HONOR to be asked to write a month long book study of
THE HAPPINESS ADVANTAGE by Shawn Achor, for the orangeleaders.com blog!!!!

This is week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5


I will be back on orangeleaders.com blog in July to study The Catalyst Leader by Brad Lomenick --that gives you some time to order it and read along with me!

Life's Shift.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” T.S. Eliot

Just as any "blind curve" I never anticipated what was around the corner for me this time last year.  It has been one of those spaces in life that feels like it has lasted an eternity or gone lightning fast, or often feeling as if  it never happened at all.

Without going into detail-I  would describe my life this time last year as doing a 180 in every aspect, over night.

It's in times like these that you hear some of the cliche "go-to" responses from people.  "Everything happens for a reason."  "God has something better for you."  "No, those skinny jeans don't make your butt look big."

I spent a good chunk of the last year giving God a gigantic-over dramatic eye roll.  Just like any "know it all" daughter does with her parents, when they try to tell her that they really do know what is best for her. That was me.

The truth is, it has been one of the darkest and loneliest times in my life.

Sure!  I have lots of  "light reflectors" in my life that kept pointing me in the right direction- but when you feel like you have had the rug pulled out in front of you-sometimes you just want to feel sorry for yourself.

You know when it rains and it is just beating you in the face and your face gets all squished up? That is how I have felt the last year or so.   It was almost as if a gray cloud followed me around and the Saturday Night Live character "Debbie Downer" said "Wha-wha" after all of my sentences.

In sports, they would call this last year a "rebuilding" year. The bank would call it a foreclosure.  A bankruptcy. Teenagers would refer to this season as an "epic fail."

Recently, I was sitting outside on a beautiful spring day.  The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, birds were chirping-life was being blown into everything around me. As I sat, I was distracted by the wind blowing.  As cheesy as this sounds, it was as if God ordered that wind just for me, to get my attention!  As if there had been a terrible storm and when it was over he whispered "It's over. The bad part is over-it's safe now!" 

I just sat there, as the wind blew, and let God "speak" assuring me...to be myself...to make friends, to trust, to lead, to laugh and be happy!

God used those people who love me the most to shine light on the path when I couldn't see.  When I was down and felt sorry for myself, they didn't give up.  They were God's hands and feet and taught me about grace and unconditional love. They never turned their back on me-they love me through the dark part! They were my own special fireflies.

I am so thankful for the shift.  No more looking back for I am not going that way!

                    He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5