Chasing Happy

Recently, I read an article about a teenage girl who was suspended from her high school for wearing a tank top to school.

(Please don't get me wrong, I am pro tank top-it's hot outside and we should be able to dress accordingly.)

What struck me about this girl was that she (and her parents) knew what the rules were and yet, she broke the rules and was offended that she had to pay the consequences.

Parents! We have to stop believing that our kid's happiness is our top priority. 


They are kids!

If there is a rule to follow, then it is our responsibility to teach our kids that the rules apply to them.  

No! They don't have to agree with the rule-but they do need to respect it.


There are other ways to pursue change AND be respectful!  If you don't like the rules then take action!  Start a petition or go to a school board meeting and plead your case!

As parents, we have to stop catering to our children's happiness and teach them to be adults. 

Life doesn't always go the way we want.

If we don't prepare our children for adulthood, then the real world will be a very cruel place for them when they grow up.

If they disrespect their boss-they will get fired.  

We have to remember that we are raising adults.  We have to keep the END in mind!  

Who (not what)  do you want your kids to grow up to be?  

Compassionate, Respectful, Responsible, Loving, Selfless, Friendly, Team Player, Encouraging, Loyal, Forgiving, and Wise?

How do we teach them those things if we are constantly catering to their happiness?


As parents we are to serve as guides for our kids so that they are ready to launch into adulthood. THAT is our job-NOT catering to their happiness.

Let's raise this generation to the be the best one yet!

Failure to Launch

A few years ago a movie came out with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker  called "Failure to Launch."  Basically, McConaughey's character was a 35 year old man still living at his parents home and sleeping in the same bed as he did when he was 6 years old.

Failure to Launch.

As parents our end goal is the launch. The day we drop them off at college...or whatever direction the choose their lift off...

No-that does not make it easy OR unemotional...but, LAUNCHING is still the goal.

Does it show?

One year, for my Birthday, my parents came to town and we went to dinner at Buca di Beppo. As we were waiting on our meal, I commented that the interior decor of the restaurant reminded me of what the inside of my sister's head must look like!  (My sister is a very fun loving, exciting, bright and colorful girl, who loves a crowd and has an affinity for bright shiny objects!) We all laughed and enjoyed the rest of our time there!

If your brain were a room, what would the interior design layout look like? 

I don't know about you, but when my life is crazy, so is my house!  You can tell the kind of  day/week/month/year  that I am having by walking in my front door.

 Hear me out!

I do not need to be on the next episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive," but I if there were a show about clutter and nothing really having a place, then I could probably occupy a 30 minute episode!

I believe this is probably true for all of us.  Sure, some of us are probably better at hiding it than others, maybe you do the exact opposite as me. Maybe when your life seems "crazy," your house is spotless, seeing housework as something you can actually control!

Those of you clean-organizing types are like aliens to me.  I believe that secretly, somewhere in your home you have a messy drawer, closet, basement, or cabinet that nobody knows about!

Those of you who are fans of the show "FRIENDS" will remember that even the neurotic, clean freak
Monica Geller had a crazy closet that she kept locked and wouldn't let anyone see.

Maybe you think, "I can't control all the chaos in my life, but I can control my house," and so that is how you  can best cope!

I have been there too! ....ish.
(You would be amazed at what giving me an hour with a container of Clorox Wipes would do for a kitchen on a stressful day!)

My husband says I need to do what he does and have "file folders" in my mind.  Just like with any file cabinet, I would be able to keep my thoughts,emotions and anything else I feel like I need to "manage" in order, by prioritizing each one in a nice and neat system.  It's easy for him.

(I picture the inside of his mind to look like one of those sparkly clean rooms in a 

"Mr. Clean" commercial.)

I am someone who will start my car and spend the next 5 minutes digging in my purse, looking for my keys.  I do most things on auto-pilot because I live my life in worrying I need to do next, rather than being in the moment and being deliberate.  Chaos paralyzes me and makes it difficult for me to know what to do first.

I need to find a way to push through my natural tendency to daydream and easily distracted by the "bright and shiny" of the world and create a system in which I can focus long enough to put things back where they belong-and not just set it somewhere-never to be seen again.

This is not to say that how you or I run our homes are right or wrong, but more a practice in doing things that are more purposeful.

I am tired of reacting to chaos in my cluttered life and desire to slow my brain down and be more intentional and calculated in my day to day things.  As much as I would love it, I am not going to wake up tomorrow and be as domestic as Martha Stewart!  It is going to take effort on my part-not just one day but every day. 

Dang.

Orange Conference 2015

The Orange Conference 2014: Highlights from Orange on Vimeo.


This is my 8th year attending The Orange Conference.  If you are a teacher, pastor, leader, parent or just plain like kids, I can not tell you how much you would benefit from this event.  I mean it.  I have attended with a group, by myself, 8 months pregnant, and as a volunteer- no excuse keeps me from Atalanta in April.  You will NOT regret it!

If you would like to go but don't know how to make it work financially-contact me in the comments and I will help you figure you something out.

What is Orange?

Different Shoes and Chipped Nail Polish

I have a friend that is a time champion.  She will post pictures on social media of her 14 books that she is reading, her journal, her perfect cup of coffee all strategically placed on her spotless coffee table in her spotless house.

I have a love/hate relationship with her.  She raises the bar for me, and since I am a lazy slob and just want to lay on the couch and watch every season of New Girl on  Netflix from start to finish, she is a source of inspiration and encouragement that you can have 3 kids and still do the things that are important to you.


But then you have a morning like this:




This story comes to you from sometime around 2007, I had only 2 children at the time and they were ages 3 and 1. 

I woke up that morning focused on ONE THING-cleaning toilets.  We were having company over that evening and I was kept awake most of the night thinking about all that I needed to do to get the house cleaned.   I threw on one of Adams HUGE t-shirts and some pants that lost its drawstring in one of my pregnancies, slipped on  my shoes and was out the door.

I walked my oldest into preschool and spoke to her teacher, smiling and passing all the moms who somehow managed to lose all their baby weight and wake up before God to make sure every hair is in place and throw on an entire outfit, which, from head to toe could be found on any Pinterest fashion board owned by women our age.

It wasn’t until I was leaving that I saw my own reflection in the front door and noticed I was wearing two different shoes.


I would love to have a structured routine in my life.  To those of you who DO have a daily routine it probably seems so simple, but for me, if it takes any kind of effort, I tend to avoid it!

That’s just my lazy nature.

I tend to admire  disciplined people from afar.  Those of you who get up at 5am and have your quiet time with God and then run a mile  while listening to your carefully selected worship  music playlist.  Not to mention, you have done it all before 7am.  .

While I want to be just like you when I grow up, I have to wonder, what it is that helps you relax?  It must be stressful to be you.  Always having every minute planned and accounted for, it’s like you are  mom machine!  Maybe you should be the one writing a blog?

Sigh.

What if we (I) stopped comparing ourselves to other moms and instead allowed ourselves to be inspired by them?  None of us have this mothering thing figured out-we are all just “wingin” it.  We have so much to learn from each other and we have alot to share with other moms from the things we have experienced.  This is not a competition.  

Wait.  Go grab a pen and write this down:

Motherhood is not a competition.  

How would your life change, if you and I  were willing to admit that you are not in competition with the moms you are busy comparing yourself to?

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” -Unknown

Currently Listening to:  WHEN THE CRAZY KICKS IN

Sand Trapping

Have you ever noticed that if you pick up a handful of sand and squeeze it really tight it just pours right out?  HOWEVER! If you scoop up the sand and cup it in your opened hand-it stays...

(...and yes, in my picture, it is sugar.  I live in Indiana, people!  Who do you think I am? Jimmy Buffett? ) 

Anyway.

I think the same goes for the people in our life.  If we try to hold on too tight, they can slip away.  Our intentions are to protect the ones we love by being over protective, and maybe a little over possessive, because we love them so much and don't want to lose them.

 The truth is, nobody wants to be smothered or controlled and what we truly fear, ends up happening as our loved ones flee from our tight grip.

We want to be in relationships with people who trust us and give us the freedom to fly and support us even when we strike out.  When we give the people in our lives the freedom to fly, they will feel respected and valued and they will return to us again and again and again.


This is not a revolutionary thought, but paints a very accurate picture of what it means to "catch and release."

We all can think relationships in our lives where we might have held on too tightly.  We did so out of fear, but lost in the long run. Maybe it was with a friend, a child, a parent, a sibling, or a spouse...our intentions were pure, but we held on too tight out of fear.  Fear of losing them, fear of NOT being in control of them and pushed them away.

Dr. Phil says:
"what we fear, we create."

I think he is right.

The things that we usually fear most in our lives end up coming true because we are so busy focusing on the fear-than actually enjoying the time we have.

We all want to be loved but we also want freedom to grow and to breath. Maybe it's time we let go. Maybe we need to open up our hands and let the people in our lives take a breath!  Trust them!  Trust God.

Let's practice!

All This Time.

I can remember laying in my bed, in my college apartment, watching as my roommates were getting ready for class when the phone rang and it was my mom telling me that there had been a plane crash into the World Trade Center.

The first thing I thought was that it must have been an accident.  I imagined something must have gone wrong with the plane!

As I was on the phone, I told my roommates to go turn on our tiny 13 inch television in the living room so that we could watch  the news, when a second airplane hit the second tower!

Our country was under an attack.

In that very moment, for the three of us 20 year old girls standing in an apartment in Indiana and for the rest of the entire world,

things would never be the same.

13 years have flashed before our eyes.  I look at my children (ages 10,8, and 5) and realize that they do not know a life without terrorism and war.  Our kids do not know what it is like to live without Homeland Security.

It's always a humbling feeling to explain to a child what happened on September 11, 2001.
I imagine, as a child, it must feel the same way it feels when I hear about President Kennedy being assassinated, I wasn't born, but the people who were, remember exactly where they were and what they were doing.

We can't understand the logistics.

Why are we hated so much?

In the eyes of a child, it's even harder to imagine the hatred that is aimed toward us.

"Maybe, if they knew our family, maybe they would like America!?" said one of my kids.


The answer is, we don't know why the hatred for us has boiled over for them!

What we can know is that our God is bigger than terrorism, bigger than war, bigger than hate,  bigger than violence and threats.

We can trust that God is compassionate and grieves with us. God is a peaceful God and a God that comforts.

We can have faith, we can have hope and we can have love... and I think that they are stronger than any terrorist group. 
As parents, we don't have to have the answers, when we can point our children to God and direct their hearts to a trusting relationship with Him!


"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." 
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 The Message Version

Responsibility

This month, my friends at 252 Basics are talking about RESPONSIBILITY!  We are lucky enough to attend a church that partners with ORANGE, which means The Galema Kids are talking about RESPONSIBILITY at church and home!

Sometimes I truly believe I am raising the most lazy human beings on the face of this planet.  To protect the guilty, I will leave names unmentioned, but I have one child who likes to hide their trash under our couch, one that never seems to flush the toilet and another that will sit on top of a pile of freshly folded laundry rather than actually take it to their room and put it away.

Those are the moments are when I feel like I am failing them.

I imagine that they will be starring in an episode of "HOARDERS: Buried Alive" in 15 years with their 64 cats, 22 birds, while collecting a 52 pound ball of dog hair that they are somehow emotionally attached to-blaming me for their lack of responsibility.

Now that my kids are school aged, I am seeing that more than ever, it is our responsibility to teach them to be adults.  As much as I want to clean up after them, I know that I will not follow them to college and cleaning their dorm rooms.  I also have to be willing to let them do it their way.

I am usually having an inner conversation with myself about choosing my battles.  

"What is the point, Leslie?  That they clean their rooms or that they clean their rooms YOUR WAY?"

I also know that my kids are watching me.  I can tell them to clean their rooms, flush the toilet, throw away their trash, and put away their clothes-but if I don't do what I am responsible for, then they can't hear my words because my actions are so loud, they can't hear what I say.

Responsibility is showing you can be trusted with what is expected of you.  

This parenting thing is not for the weary! (Although I am weary 65% of the time!) 

Teaching our children responsibility starts with us.

Crap.

Let's GO!

Currently Listening to:

A Letter to Me

In a couple of weeks, my High School Cheerleading Squad will be holding an Alumni Fundraiser and they are asking that all past cheerleaders send in pictures and memories of when they were cheered.

As I was collecting old pictures from my cheerleading days, my heart was filled with great memories. I was reminded of the Brad Paisley song called "Letter to Me" and I thought it might be fun to write a letter to me...at seventeen.

Letter to Me (The Leslie Edition)

Um. First of all, you are not fat or ugly. Stop it, stop it right now!  You have nothing to prove to anyone at all.  Why should you!?  YOU ARE 17!!!!!  Do you realize how stinkin' easy your life is right now?  Your parents pay for everything!  You have a job and spend your pay check on hair products and cute tops!

Please do me a huge favor and just laugh and be a kid-I will thank you later.
Dang! Aren't all those Rowan County boys cute!? You sure will kiss a lot of those sweet faces but... they aren't the one.  You won't meet "him" til college.  17 year old boys are super cute but their attention doesn't determine your worth....although.. I understand that it does help sometimes.


Stop focusing on it so much.

(ps: Between you and me- they all grow up, lose their hair and gain weight...and so do you. Looks are nowhere near important.)

Go learn to play an instrument-maybe something fancy like the cello. Read more books-and might I suggest books on tape-it really helps with our comprehension issue.

Take initiative with your school work.  Look, we know we aren't rocket scientists and that is not the point.  Talk to your teachers-they are not scary!  They are actually real life human beings that like you and want you to succeed. Go talk to them!  Ask for help-they crave it!  Get this-they once had a burning passion in their hearts for students to ask for their help... they are tired and often wonder what they were thinking when they wanted to be a teacher... restore their hope and ask for help!

Oh my gosh, Leslie.....this is a big one!  You won't believe it until you see it...  the internet.

I just. I can't explain it... just be ready.

Write this one down: Nothing that you do in High School to be popular makes one lick of difference the exact minute you walk across the stage with your diploma.  You will never-ever, not once, see anyone wearing their High School letter-man jacket to college.
Like, for real.

Practice playing second fiddle.  This is a life lesson we may never learn, but try to give others all the credit!  Help others.  Just help them.  Smile and say hi to people you don't know.  Invite people that you don't know to sit with you at lunch and stick up for those who are being picked on.  You may think that by not saying anything-you are innocent..but your silence makes you just as guilty.

Do not get wrapped up in drama.  It's stupid and embarrassing.   Don't.


Hug Holley Russell-tight.

Verbally say thank you to Tammy Nielson, Matt and Heather Bays, Eddie Lundergan, Kris Alderman, Roberta Early, and Alice Payton-- what they have done for you, has made a difference.  You are becoming a better person because of their influence.


Spend more time with your siblings.  Invite them into your life-show them what being a teenager looks like and give them advice!  They are watching you and even if she refuses to do anything you say, your sister is actually listening...she is just strong willed.  Keep laughing at your brother...he is slightly irritating but...get this.. you name your son after him and he turns out just like him!


Lastly, mom and dad are uber strict for a reason.  Yeah- it's not cool but it's not supposed to be.  Let's face it, we are in bed at dark-what do we need a curfew for anyway!?  Listen to everything mom and dad say -it's okay to roll your eyes, they don't expect you to agree..the most hilarious thing about it is, in  a matter of years, your mouth will open and everything they said will come out !

You are doing great-you have great friends and wonderful people around you.  They are shaping you! The awesome news is...I have been to the future...and I can tell you, your best days are ahead of you!

Go.Fight.Win!

Cheers

Me

Tuesday Tip: Orange

Occasionally I will get a Facebook message or email from a friend in ministry asking my advice on how to implement ORANGE at their church.

I have had experience leading the Orange Strategy in small churches, church plants, and large churches.

Whether you have been at your church for years or weeks one thing seems to ring true in all scenarios-

I was once asked:

 "If you had all the money you ever dreamed of, in your budget, what would be the first thing you would do?"

For those who have never worked much in Children or Student ministry, you might think my answer is really boring....but the truth is...what we as leaders need the most is something that money can not buy...

What we need is passionate, equipped, empowered leaders and parents!


Listen, you could be sleeping  in a bed of money when it comes to your  ministry, but if you don't have leaders... you got nothin.

YOU CAN NOT DO IT ON YOUR OWN.

You  might say:  "But, Leslie...."

NOPE.

"But...."

 STILL NOPE.


If you want to be an ORANGE church...

You better be ready to put your money where your mouth is.

When you commit to being an ORANGE THINKER what you are saying is

WHAT HAPPENS AT HOME IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT HAPPENS AT CHURCH.

Think about it:

On average, the church, the light, YELLOW will see a child 40 hours a year

the parents, the heart, RED, will spend close to 3,000 hours with their children a year at home.

YELLOW & RED= ORANGE

What you are saying is 

2 COMBINED influences are greater than JUST TWO influences.

When you think ORANGE you are saying to parents:

 "Hey!  We got your back! We have a plan-are you in?"

How?

Well, the church can give a child a consistent small group leader, a small group of kids their own age to do life WITH, resources for parents to know what to ask their kids about during the week.

Thinking Orange will sound VERY scary to some parents...they'll be the ones that thought the church should influence their children's faith... that's why they were bringing their kids to church in the first place!  It's our job to usher parents into the assurance that they do not have to be a theologian parent and have all the answers.  NOPE.

Instead, you are elevating the parents influence by encouraging them to invite their kids to grab a seat in the front row of their life and allow them to watch them follow Jesus...

It's not scary!  It's refreshing!

Empower parents to invite their kids to  watch as God grows them.....  and in return, their kids will grow.

More is caught, than taught.


(This is true for you if you are new to faith or a life long follower of Christ.  We are ALL taking NEXT STEPS.)


Find out more about ORANGE here:  www.whatisorange.org

ALSO!

 I can not encourage you enough to get your tails up here to Indy for the ORANGE TOUR 

OCT 16-17

If you need a place to stay while you are in town... I might know a way to help with that.

Contact me at lesliegalema@me.com

p.s.s Tuesday's Jam:
Write Your Story

Summertime Memories

I have a love-hate relationship with summer.  I love flip flops, ice cream, swimming, the smell of freshly cut grass, suntan lotion, lemonade, and cookouts. I hate mosquito bites, humidity, sweating, sunburns, and the pressure I feel to find my kids something to do everyday to keep them out of my hair until it is time to go back to school. I see all the pins on Pinterest suggesting "101 Things To Do This Summer With Your Kids," and while I pin them to my "Perfect Mom" board, the likelihood of my actually opening the link and reading the article is slim-very slim.  (My "Mother of the Year" crown is on back order.)

I don't know about you, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to make these "Hallmark Moment" family vacations for our kids and in reality, no matter how hard I plan, those vacations never turn out like I had pictured it in my mind. 

The truth is that when I reflect on the those summer memories of my own childhood, it is the simple things that were often unplanned and completely part of the fabric of our everyday lives that stand out most to me.  I grew up living in the same town as a lot of my cousins and both sets of grandparents.  In the summer, it was not uncommon to find us all at my grandparents house.  My Mamaw and Papaw lived in the same house for over 50 years.  It was this tiny little buttery yellow house that set on the edge of the Morehead State University campus.  Although our family took lots of fun vacations, it was sitting under the big tree in my grandparents front yard with my Papaw Bill,  digging holes in the dirt with my Mamaw's kitchen spoons with my cousins that I remember the best!  We used to have dance parties (no music needed) in that front yard and when cars would pass we would all freeze in some "cool" pose.  Those are the things that didn't cost a penny, and  looking back, I wouldn't trade for any amount of money!

Moments like these are often hard to manufacture, but they mean so much!  In "Orange" terms, we call this CREATING A RHYTHM. One thing every kid really needs is memorable moments with their families and if we are all being honest, that costs us very little money and in the long run is something money can't by. As we enter this summer, I am challenged to slow down, and take time to enjoy simple moments with my kids, as I suspect it will be in those moments that we make the most memories.

Front Row Seat

I once heard Andy Stanley say that if we are interested in finding out our weaknesses, then we should ask the people that work with us.  He says that the people we work with are never surprised by our weak spots.

Isn't this same idea true with our kids?  The truth is, our families have a front row seat to our lives and most of the time we forget they are watching us!  We have all heard the phrase that parents will say to their kids: "Do as I say, not as I do."  Kids hate that- and rightly so.

As parents, if we are truly concerned with WHO our kids turn out to be, then we need to be even more concerned with WHO we are!  If we are the most influential people in their life, then what are we teaching them by how we live our own life?

Are we practicing what we are preaching?  What are our kids gathering about WHO we are? What is the view from the front row?

If we expect our kids to value integrity then we have to live it, for more is caught than taught.

As parents, we are always being thrown curve balls and our kids are watching us.  We must lead ourselves before we lead ANYONE.

Right before Moses lead the Israelites into Israel, he gave them one last pep talk.  He said:

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

⁴ “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.^{[b] 5} You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.


Catch that?  Moses told the Israelites to LEAD YOURSELF then LEAD YOUR FAMILY!

Parenting is NOT about your kids seeing you as PERFECT.. you will NEVER be able to pull it off! Parenting is about your story of RESTORATION and REDEMPTION.  It is about showing them where you have been, where you are, and where you are going.  The truth is, our kids will never outgrow our influence.  When they are grown and living their own life, they will still be watching us.

Here are some Self Tests we should all try to revisit as we continue this parenting journey.

1. It’s about you, not them.
Do a heart check. It’s great to want your child to be honest or responsible. But why? Is it because you want to see that in them? Or is it also because you want to be known as a mom or dad with great kids? Kids can smell their parents motives a mile away.  If you make their life about you-take a few steps back and PUNT! I don't think that it is ever too late for a parent to drop their ego.
2. You aren’t modeling what you’re saying.
I read a quote once that said "I can't hear you, your actions are speaking so loud that I can't hear what you are saying" It’s one thing to tell your kids to control their temper. It’s another thing to control yours. It goes without saying that what you do carries far more influence than what you say, unless what you say is consistent with what you do. 
3. You and your spouse aren’t on the same page.
Kids know how to manipulate the "system."  They know who the softy parent is and who is the rule follower.  Do not let your kids divide your relationship.  We tell our kids that mommy and daddy are on the same team.
4. You fail to do what you said you were going to do.
At a very young age, you kids figure you out!  If you don't follow through, your kids notice.  If you set a consequence, you better be ready to follow through.  If you say you are going to do something, then you better do it.  Your kids will lose trust in you when you are inconsistent.  (this one is HARD! and I fail regularly!)
5. You are a controlling parent.
It's tough, but kids need to learn defeat.  When we hoover over our children and control their every move, we are not preparing them for the real world.  YES! Set rules!  YES! Sent boundaries!  The key is knowing the difference in setting boundaries and being a puppeteer.  We are raising adults... plan accordingly.

If you start to address issues like these, you will grow in integrity. You will become more of the person you want your child to become.


Make it Personal.

Fight for the Heart.

Create a Rhythm

Widen the Circle

Lead with the END in mind.

Put Up Your Dukes!

We have all heard the phrase "choose your battle."  When we choose our battle, we decide what is worth the effort, what is worth the work, what is worth the fight.

I can remember when our oldest was a toddler and she was learning to pick up her toys, I liked having everything in order.  Toys  went in one tub, dolls in another, books on the shelf, and so on.  When our helpful little toddler would pick up her toys she would just throw any toy in any tub with no rhyme or reason.  My eyelid would twitch as she did everything out of order. One day, it hit me like a brick wall! 

"What is more important?  That she picks the toys up by herself, or that she does it the way I want?"

Reality check:  The key was that she was cleaning up her room BY HER SELF!

So I had to choose my battle.

I once heard that there are 2 kinds of parents.  Grace Parents and Truth Parents.

Grace parents are the ones that bake cookies or always have time to order a pizza for all their kid's friends. If you push them on an issue like bonus allowance or getting that extra 30 minutes of TV time, they’ll usually bend. If they have something difficult to say, well, they might not say it at all, and if they do, they might speak it so gently you hardly heard the issue when it was finally raised. They smile a lot. They are always, so stinking nice.

Truth parents are "by the book" types. Facts are facts and rules and rules. If bed time is 7:30, it’s 7:30 – why would you even ask for an extension? And the kids (especially teens) should fully understand everything the Bible says because obedience matters. The truth may not be pretty, but someone needs to stand up for it, say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. Jesus said if you love God, you’ll obey him. So obey. (THE FIRST TIME!)


I am not suggesting that we become push over parents so that our kids can have whatever they want in life OR that we should be as military as possible so our kids never get out of line.
I am just taking a cue from John 1:14 that Jesus came ‘full of grace and truth’. Grace and truth. Not grace or truth. But both. Together. Grace and truth.

I feel like should have this written and hung in every room in my house to remind me.  Jesus lived this one out. He never spoke the truth apart from grace, and never spoke grace that lined up with truth.

So here’s the challenge this week: as you interact in your family:

• Speak the truth with grace
• Speak grace with truth.

For me, this means, I might have to take a minute and think before I speak in anger, or when I’m tempted to simply be nice in a way that’s void of truth, I’ll also pause and reframe.

Our battle is the shape of our kid's heart.  The WHO not the WHAT they become.  The reality is the WHO shapes the WHAT!

Truth and Grace.

Fight for the Heart.

Parents Just Don't Understand

Look Familiar?
Do you remember the day, the month, the year that you looked at your parents and thought to yourself:

 "They have no idea what it is like to be a kid."

I do and I suspect that most all of us could agree it happened somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. (For me, it was 1992-1996ish)  I remember when my dad picked me up from school one day, and as we were walking to our car, ran into some of the boys in my class tossing football, when Dad decided he should play too.  The boys thought it was awesome, I was horrified.  I also recall my mom always wanting to call my friends parents to confirm that it would be ok if I came over to spend the night, and also to confirm they would be home.  My parents were known in my circle of friends as being "strict." I always felt so uncool.

 It's as if, over night, our parents became completely oblivious to anything near the "cool" spectrum.  Everything that they did and said was horribly embarrassing and never relevant to your life or way of thinking. 

Turns out, they were actually onto something!

There are two things I think parents of teenagers must remember.

1. Parents are THE MOST influential people in their kid's life.  Influential doesn't always mean you will be popular or that you will be your child's "BFF."  Being influential means that we make the rules, we set the tone, we lead by our example, we provide, we point to what is most important, we give advice, we protect, we get nosey, and we hold them accountable. Most importantly our influence, like leadership, is a stewardship, and parents, WE are accountable.

2. There WILL come a time when your kids will shut you off. Their friendships will become the center of their world.  As parents I think part of our influence is to be very intentional about planting mentors in our kid's life. What if, when our kids turned 13 years old, we assigned them 3-4 mentors for them to interact with that year.  Someone who will be a voice in our kid's life saying the same thing we are, only in a different, maybe even cooler way!?

I can think of several people who were planted in my life as a teenager that, without their influence, I might have made some wrong turns along the way.  These people were Sunday School teachers, school teachers, older cousins, cheerleading coaches, youth leaders, camp counselors and so on.

By WIDENING THE CIRCLE in our kid's life, we leverage our influence in a proactive way!  When we as parents start leading with the end in mind, we become less concerned about our popularity with our kids or even about our kid's popularity and more about a bigger picture.

Who can you purposely plant in your teenager's life?  Be intentional. Keep in mind of what your kid's interests are, what they are good at, what they struggle with and from there, think of who could speak into their lives that have similar interests or stories so that can easily relate to.

Remember, it's not about WHAT they will become, but WHO they become. What we do now, counts later.

Orange Parents: Widen the Circle
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity

Widen the Circle.

QUALITY vs QUANTITY

Operations.
Systems.

All businesses have them-well, all GOOD businesses have them.  It's how they run their ship.  It's policies and plans and strategies for how they function.

As I type this, I am looking around my house on this Saturday afternoon, clean laundry piled next to me on the couch, toys thrown, winter coats thrown over chairs, stacks of various school papers, mail, and books piled, and I, in my pajamas with my feet propped up here at 2:31pm.

Confession: We didn't get our Christmas tree taken down until mid January.

I am thinking that somewhere along this 10 year "nest building" journey, Adam and I have neglected to get some "systems" in place for running our family ship.

It often feels like chaos.

To look at us, it may appear we have some kind of routine, our clothes match, we are bathed, hair is combed and we are generally on time to things, but the truth is...LIFE is RUNNING US-instead of US RUNNING IT.

Our kids are 8, 5.5, and 2.5 years old.  Time is flying. 

In my last post, I talked about keeping "the end in mind," and focusing more on WHO our kids become than WHAT they become.

Lately, it has been on my heart to start being more intentional about the time we spend together. 

Life is crazy!  We are busy!  Some may believe that a family should spend as much time together as possible.  Some may believe that it is important to get their kids involved in everything possible, that their social calendars are what's most important.  I tend to fall somewhere in the middle.

The truth is, we could sit all day in this house together and never speak to each other, do anything together, or go anywhere.   I don't believe that good parenting comes from just being in the same room.  On the other hand, if we over involve our kids, we are so busy getting them to connect with others, that we don't connect with them.

It comes down to this: Quality vs Quantity.

Quantity is the amount of time.  Quality is what you do with the time.

In the end, it is the WHAT we did together that will matter, not the AMOUNT of time.

As parents we need to be intentional about CREATING A RHYTHM with our kids.  Traditions, moments, shared experiences that will last a lifetime.  I call those moments, "heart snapshots."  A moment in time that will be written on their hearts...forever.

How are we spending our time?  What are we showing our kids, by our day to day lives  is most important?  What are we missing out because we don't take the time to notice?

One day, they will be grown.  I do not want to look back on their childhood years and think "It's a good thing the house was clean...." or, "I am sure glad that they were involved in every sport offered."   Spend time with them. Make a mess.  Connect with them on their level. Get to know them. Encourage them. They will be little for a short time, you can clean your house later.

Create a Rhythm.

Orange Parents
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity

Focus on the END

Do you want to know what is pretty chaotic and completely unpredictable?  Parenting.

Think about it! When we buy a microwave, we get an instruction manual.  We buy a computer, we get an instruction manual. Get this!  Even poptarts come with instructions!

At some point in every parent's life they are given this tiny little human and hurried off on their merry way with absolutely NO IDEA what to do with them.

Something I have noticed is that with each stage of our kids life, there is this ultimate milestone we are trying to achieve.  With a newborn our goal is sleeping through the night and getting them on a feeding schedule, then on to rolling over, sitting up, crawling, holding their bottles, and walking.  With a toddler our goal is eating solid food, sippy cups, and potty training. Preschool is all about getting along with others, sharing, and taking turns.  Elementary school is about reading and writing
 making friends...

....I think you get the picture. 

The point is, there is always something we are working toward.  I know there are times in my own parenting where I am struggling  to get to that next milestone, just trying to survive!

A few years ago, I was at The Orange Conference in Atlanta, GA, and heard a very wise illustration that changed how I have seen parenting and even how I do ministry. We were challenged to see parenting NOT as raising kids, but as raising adults!

What a concept!

I can remember very vividly when I was learning to drive.  I had Driver's Ed. with a police officer and he had me drive in and out of orange cones in the high school parking lot to practice my steering skills.  I did pretty well on the first 2 or 3 turns but somewhere around turn 4 I began driving over and hitting cones.  I couldn't figure out why I was messing up so badly.

The police officer laughed at me and pointed out that I was too focused on what was coming up next and needed to focus on the END and use my peripheral vision for the turns.

Is it me, or does that seem a lot like parenting?  We get so busy looking at what is next that we lose focus of the big picture!  As our kids get older we start to worry about WHAT they will be involved in and WHAT college they will choose, and WHAT profession they will be in-  which is all valid but maybe we should ask ourselves WHO they will be as they grow!

What if we started raising our kids with WHO they would be as adults in mind?

If a mission is only as good as its strategy then what is your mission as a parent? When you drop them off at college someday, and drive away, WHO will you be leaving?

Who do we want our kids to be?

Personally, I want my kids to be compassionate, loving, independent and trustworthy.  I want them to be a good friend, a good spouse, and a good parent. I want them to laugh and not sweat the small stuff!   I want them to have a heart for serving others.  I want them to recognize where they are gifted and use their gifts for God's glory!

If I want this for my children, everything I do in raising them should point to helping them become just that!

It's our job to lead our kids.  It's our  job to be examples and have a plan of action!  It's a worthy cause and not for the weary!


HOMEWORK:
What is your family mission statement?  What are you about?  How do you let your kids know what it means to be in your family.  Do you ever talk to them about the kind of person you want them to be when they are grown?

Would that change how you do things around your home? 

I say we make a sign with our mission statement and hang it where everyone can see it as a reminder of WHO WE ARE!


Focus on the END.


ALSO: Check out www.orangeparents.org
and read THIS BOOK