Us Do Part.

In 4th grade, I was in the checkout line at Kroger with my mom and I spotted a BRIDES magazine on the shelf by the counter.  I picked it up and started scanning through every page and my mom asked me if I wanted to buy it!  I was so excited!  The entire car ride home, I studied every ruffle, frill, and lace pattern!  I loved the colors of the Bridesmaids dresses and dreamed about what color I would choose if I were a Bride and who I would want to be my bridesmaids!  I loved dreaming about weddings!  This continued through my teenage years!  I collected so many Brides magazines that they began to take up too much space in my room.  My mom suggested that I cut out my favorite things from each magazine and put them in a folder!  When my friends would come over to spend the night, I would pull out my Wedding Binder and we would study it and dream of our weddings someday.

Welcome Home

I have been watching Billy Graham’s funeral here and there as I do laundry and do work... I was able to catch the part of the funeral when his children spoke about him.

Admittedly, I have heard stories about his daughter Ruth that didn’t always hold her in a good light...I had heard she was kind of the “black sheep”  of the family...

Worth It

There is a moment inside of all of our lives ....usually in our childhood that we decide what it is-or isn't that makes us worthy.

I think I made that discovery around 1989 when I was 8.5 years old...

You see, this was the year that I started to realize that I was not "smart."

I didn't make good grades...in fact, I made TERRIBLE grades.  I hated school!  It was boring!

I would sit at my desk and draw or practice writing my name in cursive.  I would day dream about anything that would come into my head... and I fell behind.

I remember being in the remedial reading class...and doing the "walk of shame" every day out of the classroom and into a class where I would look around and measure my own worth by the kids in my group.

Failure to Launch

A few years ago a movie came out with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker  called "Failure to Launch."  Basically, McConaughey's character was a 35 year old man still living at his parents home and sleeping in the same bed as he did when he was 6 years old.

Failure to Launch.

As parents our end goal is the launch. The day we drop them off at college...or whatever direction the choose their lift off...

No-that does not make it easy OR unemotional...but, LAUNCHING is still the goal.

Friendship Breakups and Growing Up

I love television-mostly comedies but I am not limited by it.  I love The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, New Girl, The Mindy Project, Parks and Recreation, Meet The Goldbergs, The Blacklist, Dateline, The Ellen Degeneres Show, anything on HGTV, and find Netflix takes my addiction to television to a new level.


One show that I have managed to avoid is The Bachelor, which is odd because of my passion for television but the whole premise always annoyed me.

A few weeks ago, that all changed.  I was busy doing something and The Bachelor was on in the background.  You guys, it was like a train wreck!  I couldn't help but watch.

The drama and the level of absolute INSANITY that these women possess is fascinating.

I guess it isn't surprising considering there are 12ish beautiful women in 1 house trying to win the affection of 1 man.  It is the perfect storm for high drama and high conflict!


POP. THE. CORN.

Catalyst 2014 Notes: CHANGE (pt 1)

Jennie Allen 
Catalyst 2014: Labs
IF: Gathering

IF: Gathering exists to gather, equip, and train a generation.

Numbers 13
Joshua
12 spies...



We {kind of} believe that God can use us for a purpose

...but there are Giants!

We {kind of} feel like a grasshopper.

We are grasshoppers and there ARE Giants ....

But-God!

We will lay down our grasshopper insecurities because..YOU.(God)

I don't want to be a generation that missed it.

Go fight the Giants! Take the land!

EVEN IF we don't think we can!

IF: Gathering Question

What could you God do in YOUR land for YOUR ppl?

{make a list}

Cute Quote:
We all think we are going to be janitors in Heaven

Mark Batterson
Catalyst 2014: Labs

Book: Grave Robber
We trust God for the BIG miracles
We need to trust him in the "little" ones.

We all want miracles-we just don't want a reason for one.

Thomas Jefferson cut out the miracles in the Bible....

What promises have you stopped believing?

How much better would you be if you would believe in a God who is bigger than your box?

Don't seek miracles
Seek Jesus

Never put a comma where God puts a period.
Never put a period where God puts a comma.

God can't bring back to life what is not dead.

Sometimes it looks like God is missing the mark bc we are too short sided of what what he is aiming for.

Maybe God is preparing you for something you haven't thought of.

Ie the Story of Lazarus.

Allow moments and space for God to show up.

Don't give up on something unless God releases you.

Exodus:
Stand still and you will
See the deliverance of the Lord

Don't Panic

If one thing doesn't die another thing can't come to life.

Be willing to look foolish
Take the risk!

Work like it depends on you
Pray like it depends on God

Andy Stanley
Catalyst 2014: Session 1

Q: who are you?
Q: what breaks your heart?

There is a correlation between leadership and change.

Great leaders make things better.
Status Quo drives leaders crazy!!!!!...

-leaders hate to see broken things continue.

Leaders don't blame.

Blame is the most effective change avoidance strategy.

Broken hearted leaders change things that go beyond their generation.

The thing that breaks your heart may be THE THING that God wants to do through you.

It is possible that what breaks yor heart is Devine Design

You have NO idea who/what hangs in the balance of your decision to embrace the burden on your heart.

Don't Fear!
Don't choose "purposeless" over fear.
Ie: don't think that you are not good enough to do whatever it is

Many years from now- what would you like for people to thank you for?

What God originates, God orchestrates.

HOW is not an issue

Who are you?
What breaks your heart?

Christine Caine
Catalyst 2014: Session 2

Change Yourself: Strengthen your core.

Love the Lord Your God with all your (core) heart, mind, and soul. Love your neighbor as yourself.

We love others as we love ourselves-we just don't love ourselves that much.

You do what you WANT in passion....
You do what you HAVE to out of obligation.

Skinny jeans and a ratio does not make you a leader.

Don't go from burn out to burn out fill yourself with Jesus.

Soul:

Our souls are damaged and it takes hard work to heal them.

We can't accelerate what takes work.

Ex. You may decide to follow Jesus and walk down the aisle to alter with cellulite on your legs but after you say amen, doesn't mean the cellulite will be gone!

You have to do the work.

We must go through the pain of recovery

We put on a good show.
(How you clean your house for guests. You hide the mess)

Same with our souls.

Same with church.
(Oh snap)

Mind.
Take control of your thoughts.
Fill them with the truth of God.

God has not given us a spirit of fear

Cancer is not terminal
Life is!
Christ is Eternal!!

If you see the devil tell him I'm
Going to bed bc God's got this!

Find HOPE in Gods Word!

SHIP Happens

There is a big difference in a Leader and a Manager. 

There. I said it.


Neither are more important than another-each have a very important role!

A Leader charts the course-they are at their best when  they are looking ahead and can see what is there.

A Manager steers the ship-they are into the details, they are at their best when they are getting things done.


In leadership, it is so important to realize what you are good at and what you are not so good at.

John Maxwell says:


 "A leader is someone who surrounds themselves with people who are smarter than they are and gets out of their way!"

Just because a leader knows the direction the ship needs to go doesn't mean they know anything about steering a ship!

Leaders need to know when they are unequipped to do something and then find someone to help who is!

The truth is, EVEN if a leader could chart the coarse AND steer the ship, they couldn't do both at the same time.  Someone has to work ON the
route and someone needs to work IN it.

A good leader understands how to ride the waves of knowing when to get out of the way and when to throw someone a life preserver.

No micromanaging!

(Side note from my soap box:  if you are a leader and you HAVE to micromanage someone on your team, then you have either: A.  made the wrong hire.  Sorry- but it's true.  Hire HIGHLY CAPABLE people. Do not settle.  OR....B. you are a control freak and nobody likes to work with you. Truth hurts.)


Here are some questions that I believe a leader should ask their managers every single year.   (Thanks for asking...) #wink

(6 months out)  Brainstorm
-What is our  mission and how are pointing people to it?
-What is working well?
-What is working BUT could work better?
-What is not working and needs to "die" so that we can do the good stuff BETTER?
-How can I help?

BIG IDEA:  What is the ONE thing that we want people to take away from us this year?



(4 months out) Dream
-What do you wish we could do?
-What is keeping us from doing it?
-What do you wish you could ask  me about our organization?
-What do you wish I would ask you about the organization?
-What are you learning about yourself?  How are you liking your job?
-Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
-How can I help?

BIG IDEA:  How do you want your team to grow together and feel about being part of the team at the end of the year?



(2 months out) Goals-What systems/programs are returning next year and how will they work better?
-Who is on your team?
-How will you achieve your goal?
-How will YOU grow yourself?
-How will you connect with your team? How do you say "THANK YOU?"
-What is your budget and how do you plan to use it?
-Have you set dates for any events or programming for next year?
-How can I help?


BIG IDEA:  What is your strategy? How are you gonna pull off your goal?

  
VISION DAY!
Cast vision to the rest of the staff  and/or  board with what your ONE main goal and strategy is for the new year.  Negotiate dates and spaces for events that overlap on the calendar. Discuss as a staff how we can support each other as a united team.



Question:    I think leaders have to be good followers-kind of like the show "The Undercover Boss" where the boss sees what it is like to work for Him.  What kind of follower are you?  What is it like to work for you?

This Is Today..

(This is not my picture, I do not own it.)

I have grown up watching The Today Show.  I remember Jane Pauley, Bryant Gumble, Matt Lauer, Katie Couric, Ann Curry, Willard Scott, Al Roker, and the whole he-haw gang that have followed.  

Over the last year, I have been watching how The Today Show has been transforming how they do the news.  It is my understanding that ratings have been down and they are trying some new approaches to grow their audience.

I have noticed these 3 things.

1. ENVIRONMENT. They changed the entire set- what use to be a more library feel,is now a modern and colorful stage, with several elements.  The big  window, where fans stand out and wave at people back home.  The new "Orange Room" that is made especially to catch up on social media buzz with one time time host of MTV's TRL (Total Request Live) Carson Daly.  

2. AUTHENTICITY/CONNECTION. The broadcasters engage with each other, with the viewing audience, and with the crowd outside differently than they have in the past.  I have noticed that everyone seems to be less uptight and rehearsed.  Each person on the show seems to have a refreshing authenticity about them. Each, having their own personality and style.  They seem like real life people instead of robotic talking heads.
They laugh!  They are willing to do things that they aren't comfortable doing- they talk about their personal lives such as weddings, marriage, parenting, pregnancy, childhood memories, personal experiences that we, the viewer can relate with!

I trust them more knowing that they are everyday people like you and I.

3. FIRST IMPRESSION. 

 Listen, as I type this, I am wearing a sweatshirt that has survived at least 2 of my pregnancies.  Its old, stretched out and ugly.  I have no reason to judge how anyone dresses, but I can tell you that, I will connect to someone wearing fashionable trendy clothing over someone wearing a suit.  

Every single time.

As church leaders of the next generation, there is something that we can learn from watching how The Today Show is rebranding.  They are trying to reach a new generation.  They see that our generation has razor sharp "fake indicators."    We are craving authenticity.  We want to learn and grow from hearing other's stories.  We want to know that we are all just people and none of us actually know what we are doing.

Researchers show that somewhere between 60-80% of my generation has left the church.

I believe it.

....and I love the church.

We/they left because we/they are sick and tired of legalism and fake people.  This generation sees that the church is swarming with those kind of people.


The church is losing their audience.

But, hey! I think there is good news! Aren't WE the church?   The church isn't a building-the church  is people!  

Buildings can't make changes and pick up their crosses and carry it with them daily!  Buildings can't be  the hands and feet of Jesus...but people can!

Can we make church a place where un churched people like to come to?

Is it worth it? (the answer is yes.)

It is not about our personal preference.  It's about our hands and feet reaching out to those who haven't heard, haven't seen, haven't tasted the good news of Jesus!

To those of us who are already followers of Jesus: it's our responsibility to grow OURSELVES.
 Jesus didn't say
"Hey, those of you that are in this with me, all you need to do is go to church on Sunday, sing songs  that you prefer, drink coffee, eat cookies, dress up and only hang out with other Christians. It will be like a fun social club! Oh! ...and  make people who don't believe in me, feel really uncomfortable when they visit your church. Your only job is to be comfortable until you die."


Instead he said GO!  GO tell people!  He even showed us how!  Jesus  never sat around and waited for people to come to him, Jesus went to them! Jesus knew that people connect best with stories and so he told them RELEVANT stories that they could relate to.

If  He were here today, I believe Jesus would take a look around the community that he was in, and figure out the best way to relate to those people-then he would do it.

Case and point: THE WELL 

How do we do that? Well, it's not going to be by the way we did in the past.

(Insert the definition of insanity here.)

I think that we start by removing our preferences and creating a place that is not intimidating and doesn't feel like a funeral home.

Lastly, the one thing I notice the most about The Today Show transformation is that their message is still the same.  They are still giving us the news...  they have just packaged it differently.

We need to carry the next generation on our shoulders and cheer them on!  Make banners that say

"GO do whatever you need to do to tell others about Jesus!  We support you!"  

It's worth it.

It's not about me-or you.
Steal my show.

I'm Not Who I Was

 There is an age old proverb about self awareness that goes:

 

We have all known someone that refuses to see their actions as wrong or selfish-at least in the moment. It is as if the world really does revolve around them-it's their world and we are just living in it.

I think it is safer to play the victim than be guilty of acting a fool.  Being the victim to life's circumstances is like laying on the couch in your sweats, wrapped in a warm blanket, watching football.  It's  oh so comfortable .....I can almost smell the chilli cookin' on the stove.  

Speaking of football, Graham Gano, Kicker for the North Carolina Panthers, wanted to show us all what it is it like to be an entitled victim during his warm up time a couple of weeks ago:

(For those of you reading from your phone and can not see this video click HERE )

Thanks, Graham. Got it.

Wonder what Graham was thinking as he took the field to warm up?  I know what he was thinking, because I have had similar thoughts in my own life's circumstances:

"They are in my way!  I have to warm up! This is MINE! I never get to __________ because _________________.   ME! ME! ME!   I! I! I!"


His own voice was so loud in his head that he could not see anything else around him.  (Or, in his case, he couldn't hear the trombone that was literally playing in his ear.)


I wonder how many times, I have done this in my own life?  How many times I have been so fed up with my circumstances, that I could not see what was happening on the field because I was blinded by my own intentions?

How many times have I shoved a trombone player out of my way so that I could, once and for all, have my own well deserved moment on the field?

Chances are, after seeing it played over and over and over on national television, this guy is humiliated.  He may never live this one down.  Lucky for us, we are not public figures and we do not have to live the agony of late night talk show hosts making fun of our moments of self indulgence and temper tantrums.

 I have been Graham Gano many, many times in my day and can not promise that I won't again.. but I can promise that I will always try to see my self and how my actions will reflect who I say I am.

Do my actions match my words ..or do they scream:  "YOU OWE ME!"

I hope that  I  can live a life that proves that I am not who I was.

The Law of The Referee

I am not a big sports fan-but something I have noticed about referees is that not many actually like them. 

Why?

Well, I think it is because they don't actually play the game. It seems to me they just blow their whistles and point out when players have done something wrong.

We all have "referees" in our lives.  You know, those people in our lives who don't actually know us, but think they do and seem to delight in pointing out everything they think we do wrong....

Nobody likes a referee.

I used to think that I was being held back professionally by someone else's ego.

The frustration, the hurt, the sadness, and disappointment often felt suffocating.

Anger and bitterness became tension I carried around like a hot, wet blanket.

I poured and stirred gallons of effort to prove myself worthy- thinking that if everyone else could see how much I cared, then someone would fight for me.

The more I tried, the more misunderstood I was.  What was meant to be seen as passion and energy for the organization was taken as overbearing and questioning of authority.

Painful lesson, after lesson showed me that no amount of energy or earned popularity would get me far enough with my referee.

I was peddling 100 miles a minute on bike that never moved.

What seemed like common sense became uncommon sense.

All rational thinking was out the window.

 I had fouled out.

I was bad news-a loose cannon.  Too radical and pushy.

I felt black balled.

Inferior.

Offended.

Slap after slap, kick after kick, I was wounded but oddly, not tired. I still had the energy and the hope that God wanted to use me.

I decided I was going to leverage this space in time to ask hard questions about myself to trusted mentors.  What frustrated me most was  my referee was blind to how they were coming off.  It was like they had no self awareness.

I decided that I would be self aware.  Even if it broke my heart, I was going to ask those around me to give it to me straight-by telling me what I most needed to work on and how I could better see myself.

If anything good were to come from this hurtful situation, it would be that I would grow!


I refused to be the victim!

 Because I was "unqualified " to work at the job I wanted, I found myself at home with free time.

I was fueled by the hope that I had in what God could do in my life long term. God began stirring in me, the dream of "what if!?"


 In the midst of brokenness and bright flashing stop lights at what seemed like every turn....
God was actually giving green lights in other ways-I just didn't notice them yet.
I began to see my hard work pay off with opportunities opening to reach a larger community than the current  "gag order" that I felt sentenced to.

I wondered why I was empowered by this huge area of influence that saw my potential and gave me a voice, but the smaller area of influence that I had been rejected by, saw me as a nuisance?

The good slowly began to drown out the bad.

The once loud ego driven "referee" who blew their whistle and pointed out my fouls, was now drowned out by the cheers of those who believed that I am not defined by one person's ideas of me.


Now, I can see that God was using my brokenness to fuel my passion.

 I don't know if I believe that God used this referee in my life to teach me a lesson, but I do know that God leveraged my reactions of it to help me see that I am not in charge..and that his ways are bigger and better than my ways.

Let's all be life long learners instead of victims, and STOP listening to the referees.



C.S. Lewis once said:

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.


.. or, what Britt Nicole says.

Stop the Train!

Simply put: A train wreck is the aftermath of a train crash.


The term often serves as a metaphor for any disaster which is large in scale and readily seen by public observers.

We all have "train wrecks" in our lives.  Sometimes we are in the middle of it and other times we are the spectators.  Although I am not sure which is worse-to be part of it or to watch it happen? Both are equally painful.


Watching a "train wreck" is difficult because you are helpless.  The people involved usually are completely unaware and by the time they figure it out-it is too late.


Damage is done.


I have been thinking a lot lately about how we, as leaders, can prevent the "train wrecks" on our teams we lead?  I don't have the right answers and don't claim to be an expert-but I wanted to share what I have been pondering..


Below are 5 ways I believe we can STOP THE TRAIN before it crashes!


1. LISTEN. If we want to lead a healthy and successful team, I believe we must be able to see outside of ourselves.  Most of the time, the way we see outside of ourselves is by getting another perspective.

What would a spectator want to tell the train conductor?

Slow down! Stop! Pay Attention!

It is easy to get comfortable with our day to day routine that we forget to pay attention! Outsiders could give us the kind of feedback that could prevent train wrecks!


2. MOVE!  Once you have received feedback about potential "danger" then MOVE!  Leaders can't just pretend there is no threat on their teams!  Leaders, we must face it and address the issue quickly.  Sometimes this means having a heart to heart with another person on your team and while believing the best in them, raise the bar of accountability and give a timeline to see results.  If you don't move-then others on your team will not only lose trust in the "weakest link" but also in you and YOUR LEADERSHIP!


3. SAY SOMETHING!  As a leader, your team knows how the train is moving. Sometimes, your team might be aware of what is going on before you do-they are waiting for you to notice.  The longer you take to acknowledge "danger" the less they will trust you.  You can not ignore the pink elephant in the room!  CALL IT OUT!  Your team wants to know that you see the problem and they also want to know that you are working on it-and that you would love to hear their ideas on the matter!



4. CALL FOR HELP!  If the problem is too big for you to handle on your own, then call in reinforcements. A neutral third party is a great way to get your team around the table and coach you in a better direction.  This is not a sign of weakness but a sign of good leadership and how much you value everyone's perspective around the table.


5. PASSANGER SAFETY.  There is a clear difference in those who are on your team and those who your team are there to serve.  As a train conductor, you can not let your ego get in the way of protecting your passengers. Those on the train don't care who stops the train-they just want the train to stop!  As a leader, you need to recognize that there will be people on your team that will question your decisions and have better ideas than you-and if your ego gets in the way, then you know who looks bad?  YOU. 


Church leaders, leading a church has nothing to do with our preference and our ego.  Like conducting a train, our job is to see that our "passengers"  reach their  final destination.

Fear and Stuff

Preface: I am experiencing writer's block and have been encouraged to use "prompts" to get my creative juices going.


What am I afraid of?

Mice.
Drowning.
Getting pregnant.
and....people who do not like me.

If I feel like someone doesn't like me, I shut down. I just want to hide and throw myself a pitty party.

I haven't figured out why I do this.

I have always admired those folks that could express themselves and not care what people thought of them.

Me? Well, I tend to ugly cry, eat bread and lose sleep over what I could have done to make them like me. I rehearse conversations and scenarios in my mind of what I would like to say to that person.  Sometimes I charm them with my humor and win them over....other times, I lose what little filter I have and tell them exactly what I think.

Neither scenario ever makes me feel better afterword.

 The truth is I get wrapped up in those who don't like me because I don't like me.

I know who I am. Good stuff and bad stuff.  I am not proud of the bad stuff...and those who don't like me only see me for the bad stuff.

I am afraid of liking myself.

It's not about the "haters."

Its about me.


Fear paralyzes us and we have a choice!  We can look our fears straight in the face or we can hide.

What I have learned is that when we hide, we can't move forward.
We are just stuck, sittin' in our own "filth"  and nobody can rescue us but us.

I don't want my head to be so full of fear that I have no room to dream.
Dreaming is what I do-it's my thing.  When I am busy being afraid......I can't do my thing.

I need to get real good and busy being the best me I can be and have enough self awareness to know when I am being a real "toot" so that I don't miss reality. Reality is deciding that you and I are not the victim of our life circumstances.

Reality is knowing perfection is not the goal,  and restoration is. It's not a race, but a marathon.

Front Row Seat

I once heard Andy Stanley say that if we are interested in finding out our weaknesses, then we should ask the people that work with us.  He says that the people we work with are never surprised by our weak spots.

Isn't this same idea true with our kids?  The truth is, our families have a front row seat to our lives and most of the time we forget they are watching us!  We have all heard the phrase that parents will say to their kids: "Do as I say, not as I do."  Kids hate that- and rightly so.

As parents, if we are truly concerned with WHO our kids turn out to be, then we need to be even more concerned with WHO we are!  If we are the most influential people in their life, then what are we teaching them by how we live our own life?

Are we practicing what we are preaching?  What are our kids gathering about WHO we are? What is the view from the front row?

If we expect our kids to value integrity then we have to live it, for more is caught than taught.

As parents, we are always being thrown curve balls and our kids are watching us.  We must lead ourselves before we lead ANYONE.

Right before Moses lead the Israelites into Israel, he gave them one last pep talk.  He said:

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

⁴ “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.^{[b] 5} You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.


Catch that?  Moses told the Israelites to LEAD YOURSELF then LEAD YOUR FAMILY!

Parenting is NOT about your kids seeing you as PERFECT.. you will NEVER be able to pull it off! Parenting is about your story of RESTORATION and REDEMPTION.  It is about showing them where you have been, where you are, and where you are going.  The truth is, our kids will never outgrow our influence.  When they are grown and living their own life, they will still be watching us.

Here are some Self Tests we should all try to revisit as we continue this parenting journey.

1. It’s about you, not them.
Do a heart check. It’s great to want your child to be honest or responsible. But why? Is it because you want to see that in them? Or is it also because you want to be known as a mom or dad with great kids? Kids can smell their parents motives a mile away.  If you make their life about you-take a few steps back and PUNT! I don't think that it is ever too late for a parent to drop their ego.
2. You aren’t modeling what you’re saying.
I read a quote once that said "I can't hear you, your actions are speaking so loud that I can't hear what you are saying" It’s one thing to tell your kids to control their temper. It’s another thing to control yours. It goes without saying that what you do carries far more influence than what you say, unless what you say is consistent with what you do. 
3. You and your spouse aren’t on the same page.
Kids know how to manipulate the "system."  They know who the softy parent is and who is the rule follower.  Do not let your kids divide your relationship.  We tell our kids that mommy and daddy are on the same team.
4. You fail to do what you said you were going to do.
At a very young age, you kids figure you out!  If you don't follow through, your kids notice.  If you set a consequence, you better be ready to follow through.  If you say you are going to do something, then you better do it.  Your kids will lose trust in you when you are inconsistent.  (this one is HARD! and I fail regularly!)
5. You are a controlling parent.
It's tough, but kids need to learn defeat.  When we hoover over our children and control their every move, we are not preparing them for the real world.  YES! Set rules!  YES! Sent boundaries!  The key is knowing the difference in setting boundaries and being a puppeteer.  We are raising adults... plan accordingly.

If you start to address issues like these, you will grow in integrity. You will become more of the person you want your child to become.


Make it Personal.

Fight for the Heart.

Create a Rhythm

Widen the Circle

Lead with the END in mind.

Hey! Leggo my EGO!

Confession: I have a really big ego and I like to control most everything.

I am prideful and I do NOT like to admitting I am wrong or that I made a mistake.

I tend to put the blame on others-pointing out their flaws and how it is always someone else's fault-NOT MINE!

My natural insticts tell me that admitting defeat, is a sign of weakness. 

God has broken this in me lately. Well... maybe not "broken" but made it clear to me.  When I feel rejected or betrayed, I wanted all parties to pay!  I want to so badly to shout from the mountain tops how wrong they were!  Playing the victim is much more fun and rewarding!

This is how I react!  What I have learned is that when I find myself in these moments, I need to resist all my instincts and stay quiet.  I need to process what I am feeling and think things through so that I can RESPOND in an appropriate way.

Sometimes weeks, months, maybe even years must pass before the smoke can clear and you can find yourself  thinking clearly.  To understand that nothing is really one sided and that you own something in whatever conflict you find yourself in.  We could chase our tails trying to prove who was in the wrong but the only fact we need recognize is that we hurt someone we love. No if's, ands, or buts about it.

As I have mentioned earlier-we may try to JUSTIFY our motives, but the brass tax is this:

 treating someone poorly is never an excuse.

The truth is that it was ME who needed to admit I was wrong.  It was ME who had a lesson to learn.
 I put my EGO aside and waved my white flag...and said the 3 hardest words I have ever had to say....

"I am sorry."

Sometimes your appolgies aren't accepted, but the good news is, freedom does not come from someone's forgiveness of you or me, but it comes from our willingness to admit our wrongs, take the blame, expose our guilt, forgive OURSELVES and keep rowing our boat...trusting God with the rest.

Holding onto bitternes get's us nowhere…

we need to follow God's example by showing mercy and grace to those who have hurt us–
"It is finished, you don’t owe me anymore…I am letting the debt of wrongdoing go!!!”

That is when you will be Free.  We are new!