Preface: I am experiencing writer's block and have been encouraged to use "prompts" to get my creative juices going.
What am I afraid of?
Mice.
Drowning.
Getting pregnant.
and....people who do not like me.
If I feel like someone doesn't like me, I shut down. I just want to hide and throw myself a pitty party.
I haven't figured out why I do this.
I have always admired those folks that could express themselves and not care what people thought of them.
Me? Well, I tend to ugly cry, eat bread and lose sleep over what I could have done to make them like me. I rehearse conversations and scenarios in my mind of what I would like to say to that person. Sometimes I charm them with my humor and win them over....other times, I lose what little filter I have and tell them exactly what I think.
Neither scenario ever makes me feel better afterword.
The truth is I get wrapped up in those who don't like me because I don't like me.
I know who I am. Good stuff and bad stuff. I am not proud of the bad stuff...and those who don't like me only see me for the bad stuff.
I am afraid of liking myself.
It's not about the "haters."
Its about me.
Fear paralyzes us and we have a choice! We can look our fears straight in the face or we can hide.
What I have learned is that when we hide, we can't move forward.
We are just stuck, sittin' in our own "filth" and nobody can rescue us but us.
I don't want my head to be so full of fear that I have no room to dream.
Dreaming is what I do-it's my thing. When I am busy being afraid......I can't do my thing.
I need to get real good and busy being the best me I can be and have enough self awareness to know when I am being a real "toot" so that I don't miss reality. Reality is deciding that you and I are not the victim of our life circumstances.
Reality is knowing perfection is not the goal, and restoration is. It's not a race, but a marathon.
