Does it show?

One year, for my Birthday, my parents came to town and we went to dinner at Buca di Beppo. As we were waiting on our meal, I commented that the interior decor of the restaurant reminded me of what the inside of my sister's head must look like!  (My sister is a very fun loving, exciting, bright and colorful girl, who loves a crowd and has an affinity for bright shiny objects!) We all laughed and enjoyed the rest of our time there!

If your brain were a room, what would the interior design layout look like? 

I don't know about you, but when my life is crazy, so is my house!  You can tell the kind of  day/week/month/year  that I am having by walking in my front door.

 Hear me out!

I do not need to be on the next episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive," but I if there were a show about clutter and nothing really having a place, then I could probably occupy a 30 minute episode!

I believe this is probably true for all of us.  Sure, some of us are probably better at hiding it than others, maybe you do the exact opposite as me. Maybe when your life seems "crazy," your house is spotless, seeing housework as something you can actually control!

Those of you clean-organizing types are like aliens to me.  I believe that secretly, somewhere in your home you have a messy drawer, closet, basement, or cabinet that nobody knows about!

Those of you who are fans of the show "FRIENDS" will remember that even the neurotic, clean freak
Monica Geller had a crazy closet that she kept locked and wouldn't let anyone see.

Maybe you think, "I can't control all the chaos in my life, but I can control my house," and so that is how you  can best cope!

I have been there too! ....ish.
(You would be amazed at what giving me an hour with a container of Clorox Wipes would do for a kitchen on a stressful day!)

My husband says I need to do what he does and have "file folders" in my mind.  Just like with any file cabinet, I would be able to keep my thoughts,emotions and anything else I feel like I need to "manage" in order, by prioritizing each one in a nice and neat system.  It's easy for him.

(I picture the inside of his mind to look like one of those sparkly clean rooms in a 

"Mr. Clean" commercial.)

I am someone who will start my car and spend the next 5 minutes digging in my purse, looking for my keys.  I do most things on auto-pilot because I live my life in worrying I need to do next, rather than being in the moment and being deliberate.  Chaos paralyzes me and makes it difficult for me to know what to do first.

I need to find a way to push through my natural tendency to daydream and easily distracted by the "bright and shiny" of the world and create a system in which I can focus long enough to put things back where they belong-and not just set it somewhere-never to be seen again.

This is not to say that how you or I run our homes are right or wrong, but more a practice in doing things that are more purposeful.

I am tired of reacting to chaos in my cluttered life and desire to slow my brain down and be more intentional and calculated in my day to day things.  As much as I would love it, I am not going to wake up tomorrow and be as domestic as Martha Stewart!  It is going to take effort on my part-not just one day but every day. 

Dang.

I am going to get over you..

Oh Lord, I am going to try to tackle a subject that is
deeply personal and yet universal in all of our lives.

Heart break.

 I have avoided this kind of sharing because lots of people read this blog that I know-
like know personally.

My parents, my siblings, my grandma, my in laws, family members, friends, pastors, and lots of people that just plain know me.

It's easier to write to strangers about personal things... WHY IS THAT?

I will try to keep this light-intertwined with perspective and just enough detail to keep you interested.


My first real heart break comes to you from way back....back in the day, as they say.
We were High School Sweethearts- together for 3 years but in my mind, I had  our wedding planned,  our kids named, and had already made lots of other plans for our long life together.

In all my daydreaming, I  had practically perfected a beautifully signed signature with his last name attached to mine in preparation for all the  future Christmas cards, checks, permission slips,
we would sign someday.

As per usual, I lived in a world called SOMEDAY.

I had just transferred to a new college 4 hours from home and was conflicted
 with emotions.    You see, my long time boyfriend and I had decided that a
long distance relationship was not in the stars for us.

At least I think we decided.  It seemed logical.
Fine.

I think that, for my part, I didn't take our agreement to part ways as serious as he did.  I thought things would stay the same-we just wouldn't have the titles.  I would live 4 hours away and we would see each other once a month, when I came to town to get my braces tightened. 
(This shows you that it's been a while since I have been in the dating game. I was an infant.)

In my foggy haze of denial, I packed up my Honda CR-V  and left my little town- headed  250 miles away. It never occurred to me that I was closing a big chapter of my life.
 I thought nothing would change-nothing ever changes when you are 19 years old. 

In my delusion, I settled into my new dorm, met new friends, and was learning more about my new found independence on my own in a new place.  

I wish I could say that the guy that broke my heart was a real jerk.  I wish I could say that he was no good and trouble with a capital T, but the truth is, he was a sweet boy who treated me like gold.  He never raised his voice to me and always went along with any idea or plan I had made.  He was gentle and attentive and by all accounts thought I was the cat's meow.

Growing up is tough because you change.  When you are 16,17, 18, 19 years old, you just don't see yourself as changing.  (I think this is true for when you are 34 as well.) You think that you have learned all there is to know about life and the reality is-you don't.. like at all.
You know nothing.

Breaking up was hard for both of us.  Like I said, I digested my pain with denial and he digested his pain with well, reality.   While my head was in the clouds imagining how our first child's nursery would be decorated, he was actually moving on.

I remember where I was in my dorm when I heard that he had started seeing someone else.  I was shocked!  I was devastated.
The down side to not accepting reality is that the world doesn't play along with you.

He had moved on without me.

He was not a monster-he just kept going on with his life.  His world did not stop when I moved away.

I spent at least a month in my pink bathrobe watching Hope Floats on a 13 inch TV/VCR combo set. The movie would end and I would rewind it and watch it again.  It was pathetic-I was pathetic.

I just laid there in waded up snot rags feeling sorry for myself.

I tortured myself by thinking of all the new things he was doing with this new girl in my town-OUR TOWN! Hanging out with my friends-our friends!  I would go back home each month and would be smothered with memories and grieve him as if he was dead.
I would beg God to not let me run into him and in the next breath, beg God to let me run into him.

Some wise musicians of my generation Kriss Kross would say I was "wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!"

I had to grieve all those things I had dreamed about for us.  I had to learn to live with memories and know that -that was all they would ever be.  I would only see him from my life's rear view mirror, that seemed to be getting farther and farther away from what once was.

I don't know why it is, that when you are heartbroken you can't see how irrational you are acting?

 You create scenarios in your mind, like the ones you have seen in the movies where the one that breaks your heart, changes their minds and comes running back to you.  (In those scenarios in my head it always included rain, a rock, and a bedroom window.)   You pray that they will regret it someday and that there is a moment in their future where they will realize that you were the best thing that ever happened to them. 

You are absolutely certain that every song about heartbreak is specifically written about you. 

Everything about your life will feel like a Taylor Swift  music video.

Here is the reality about heartbreak:  It sucks.  There is nothing worse.  You can't fix it.  You can't hide from it.  It will have you asking all your friends if they think you are prettier than the new girl out of complete and total desperation.
Here is the reality check you have all been waiting for... Take a few months and wallow. Eat pizza and gallons of whatever kind of icecream you want. Watch chick flix and sob.  Look at old pictures and remember.  Talk to your friends.

Then.. get your sorry butt up and get over it.

You have too much going for you to waste it in la la land.  You  need to be brave and walk straight through it.


Heartbreak leaves us with scars.  They don't really heal exactly the same, you walk with limp.  You are different.

You learn. You grow. You keep walking.
You learn to live with the limp and after a while, you get used to it.

If I had to go back and change anything, I wouldn't.  I needed that dose of reality, I needed to learn that having my head in the clouds isn't always so dreamy.  I learned to see reality and appreciate people in my life and what they teach me even if it is only for short time.

I still walk with a limp but I still keep walking.  I have learned that what lies ahead of me is far greater than what I leave behind.

If you are dealing with a broken heart I want to encourage you to keep walking straight through it.

You can and you will get through this.

Keep walking.. your future is waiting!  Spoiler Alert....it all turns out exactly the way it should! 



Currently listening to: I'm Going To Get Over You by Sara Bareilles

Choose YOU

13 years ago TODAY, Adam surprised me, by showing up to the daycare that I was working at, handed a pink rose to every 2 year old in my class and asked me to marry him....

I was 21 and he was 23.

Infants.

I have been thinking about the things that every young bride should know about before she gets engaged...especially since my daughters are obsessed with The 19 Kids and Counting, Duggar Daughters and their talk about Courtship and I was obsessed with the recent reality series "Married at First Sight"
I decided here has to be a happy medium between all that and what I consider "normal."


Here are just a few (some serious and some sarcastic funny) legit pointers off the top of my head (in no particular order)


1. Stop rushing.  Stop it.  I mean it... What on earth is your hurry!?!?!  Go get an apartment and live by yourself for at least a year!  Decorate it as girly as you want!
2. If you have it in your head that your marriage will look like a television show couple, I have a couple of suggestions :
* Stop. You are not ready for marriage. I mean this in the kindest way-You are delusional. Go be young! Revisit marriage in a few more years.  Those people are fictional characters who have people who literally write the words that come out of their mouths, do their hair and makeup, and you need to spend time in a real life situation.

3. Make a  monthly budget, then, each of you write out how you would spend the money-then compare them.
-What are the biggest differences in your priorities?  Talk amongst yourselves.

4. Move furniture together.
My new husband insisted on solving the Pythagorean  Theorem to decide if we should move our bed to the corner of the bedroom.

I just blinked.
Who was this nerd I traded my last name for?

5. How your guy treats his mother and sister is a good indication of how he will eventually treat you (and your future daughter/s)

Take notice.

6. In general, he should do everything you ask (with enthusiasm).

This will come in handy for pregnancy cravings and monthly sweet/salty needs-mostly.

This also includes (but not limited to)

- diet coke fountain drinks
- feminine hygiene products
- diapers
- baby formula
- printer ink
- pickles and chips
- cake
- Starbucks
- batteries
- peanuts and candy corn
- prescription and over the counter meds.


7. Once a week, sit down and compare calendars. It sounds very "business-like" but it's necessary.
Practice doing life together.  See if your priorities match up.

8. Watch carefully how he interacts with babies and small children!
This one is a biggie! It will make or break you in the middle of the night when your newborn has colic or your 2 year old has barfed all over your bed.

It's 2014, people! Dad's should be able to do anything and everything a mom can do!

I know if I dropped dead today, my husband would know exactly what to do with our kids.

Other than fix the girl's hair. He sucks at that.


9. How do they interact with YOUR family?

10. How do they interact with your friends?

11. How do they encourage you to have  your own hobbies?

12. What kind of fighter are they?

-passive?
-angry?
-shut down?
-fair?

13. What bad habits do they have that you think will change when you get married?

Stop. Go to counseling right  now.

14. Practice talking.  Be specific.  

Tell him exactly what you mean by details.
"Fine"  "Yes" "Good" "No" or any other 1 word answers are not good enough.

As a general rule of thumb, most men do not know that when you ask "How was it?" that you are really asking:

-Who was there
-What were they wearing
-Who looked the best
-Who looked the worst
-Who said what
-Did you see anyone that I know
-What did you say
-What did they say
-Did they talk about me
-What did you eat
-What did they eat
-How were the bathrooms

You know... just stuff like that.

15.  Do you generally like to be around them?

  Like, how is your actual friendship status?  I can tell you that this one will make or break you...

There will be a time, sooner than later, when you will look into the eyes of the father of your children and wonder how you could possibly murder him and not get caught...and it will be your friendship that saves him.

That, and the thought of the narrator of SNAPPED telling your story on Oxygen.
16. And finally, before you think that the romance is dead and the "honeymoon" is over...remember:

Romance is changing the gauze from a Csection because your wife can't see over her post pregnancy flab. It's going to Kroger to get sweets at 10pm because she has a sweet tooth. It's jumping in and subbing in any given kids ministry class when your wife is the kids pastor and has no other option. It's never complaining when she needs out of the house and away from the children.
It's doing the dishes every night because you know she absolutely hates it. It's never opening your mouth when your wife's side of the room is an explosion of clothes and you wonder if she will ever pick it up.
Marriage is straight up hard... you will want to give up... MANY times.  Brides magazine will not tell you any of this, because they want you to think that your wedding is just the start of a magical fairy tale life with Prince Charming.

While you are dreaming  of all that... might I encourage you to plan harder for the marriage!?  

Now go!  Be young and naive!  None of this pertains to you!  You and your new husband WILL be the ones that always have a super clean house, a bank full of money, kids that are born potty trained and never cry. Breakfast will always be in bed, and dishes will never be dirty, while fresh baked pies will always be cooling in your window. Vacations will be endless and you will wake up in the morning with minty fresh breath, a full face of make up and not a hair out of place.

Yup. (wink)

UNofficial Book Club: INTERRUPTED

PHASE 2:  The Horror of Actually Changing

How do you want to be known?

As I have grown up, I have wanted to be known for so many different things, these are just a few that have evolved in my heart over the last 20 years:

A cheerleader..
Pretty...
Thin..
Popular...
Graduate...
College Student...
Dating..
Bride..
Married...
Pregnant...
Mom....
Pastor..
Leader...
Helper..
Writer...
Creative..
Smart...
Successful..
Jesus Follower..

We all want to be best known for something we have done or can do!  In this chapter, Jen writes about how putting the action into what God is calling you to do, often means losing our ego in service to someone or a whole host of people.

On page 204 she writes:

I don't want to be known for a great brand.

I don't want to be admired for a great campus.

I don't want to be recognized for a great marketing campaign.

I don't want to be praised for great programming.

I don't want to be applauded for great theology and scholarship.

I want the church to be great because we fed hungry mommas and their babies. I'd like to be great becayse we battled poverty with not just our money but our hands and hearts. I desire the greatness that cones from seeking only mercy but justice for those caught in a system with trapdoors. I hope to be part of a freat movement of the Holy Spirit, who injects supernatural wind and fire into His mission.

My version of great will come with others scratching their heads and saying:  "Wow, you live a really different life."

For it is the one who is least among you all who is the greatest.
Luke 9:48

I think that we all talk a pretty fantastic game, we all want to lose ourselves in service to others!  I truly believe that it is in all of us, to want to help one another.

It's not always easy to serve others, when it might mean that we, oursleves have to sacrifice something to do so.

 Maybe it's money?  Maybe it's our title?  Maybe it is recognition?

Those are my three.

I don't like the idea that I would work my tail off on something and not get anything in return.

I am not proud of that-and I almost deleted that entire sentence.

....but its true.

I am claiming it.

God calls us to serve-  not to serve and be praised!

My ego needs to take a big fat hike.


How About YOU?
What is it for you?  What keeps you from a life of serving and not being served?

Currently listening to:  LOST GET FOUND

The Law of The Referee

I am not a big sports fan-but something I have noticed about referees is that not many actually like them. 

Why?

Well, I think it is because they don't actually play the game. It seems to me they just blow their whistles and point out when players have done something wrong.

We all have "referees" in our lives.  You know, those people in our lives who don't actually know us, but think they do and seem to delight in pointing out everything they think we do wrong....

Nobody likes a referee.

I used to think that I was being held back professionally by someone else's ego.

The frustration, the hurt, the sadness, and disappointment often felt suffocating.

Anger and bitterness became tension I carried around like a hot, wet blanket.

I poured and stirred gallons of effort to prove myself worthy- thinking that if everyone else could see how much I cared, then someone would fight for me.

The more I tried, the more misunderstood I was.  What was meant to be seen as passion and energy for the organization was taken as overbearing and questioning of authority.

Painful lesson, after lesson showed me that no amount of energy or earned popularity would get me far enough with my referee.

I was peddling 100 miles a minute on bike that never moved.

What seemed like common sense became uncommon sense.

All rational thinking was out the window.

 I had fouled out.

I was bad news-a loose cannon.  Too radical and pushy.

I felt black balled.

Inferior.

Offended.

Slap after slap, kick after kick, I was wounded but oddly, not tired. I still had the energy and the hope that God wanted to use me.

I decided I was going to leverage this space in time to ask hard questions about myself to trusted mentors.  What frustrated me most was  my referee was blind to how they were coming off.  It was like they had no self awareness.

I decided that I would be self aware.  Even if it broke my heart, I was going to ask those around me to give it to me straight-by telling me what I most needed to work on and how I could better see myself.

If anything good were to come from this hurtful situation, it would be that I would grow!


I refused to be the victim!

 Because I was "unqualified " to work at the job I wanted, I found myself at home with free time.

I was fueled by the hope that I had in what God could do in my life long term. God began stirring in me, the dream of "what if!?"


 In the midst of brokenness and bright flashing stop lights at what seemed like every turn....
God was actually giving green lights in other ways-I just didn't notice them yet.
I began to see my hard work pay off with opportunities opening to reach a larger community than the current  "gag order" that I felt sentenced to.

I wondered why I was empowered by this huge area of influence that saw my potential and gave me a voice, but the smaller area of influence that I had been rejected by, saw me as a nuisance?

The good slowly began to drown out the bad.

The once loud ego driven "referee" who blew their whistle and pointed out my fouls, was now drowned out by the cheers of those who believed that I am not defined by one person's ideas of me.


Now, I can see that God was using my brokenness to fuel my passion.

 I don't know if I believe that God used this referee in my life to teach me a lesson, but I do know that God leveraged my reactions of it to help me see that I am not in charge..and that his ways are bigger and better than my ways.

Let's all be life long learners instead of victims, and STOP listening to the referees.



C.S. Lewis once said:

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.


.. or, what Britt Nicole says.

Fear and Stuff

Preface: I am experiencing writer's block and have been encouraged to use "prompts" to get my creative juices going.


What am I afraid of?

Mice.
Drowning.
Getting pregnant.
and....people who do not like me.

If I feel like someone doesn't like me, I shut down. I just want to hide and throw myself a pitty party.

I haven't figured out why I do this.

I have always admired those folks that could express themselves and not care what people thought of them.

Me? Well, I tend to ugly cry, eat bread and lose sleep over what I could have done to make them like me. I rehearse conversations and scenarios in my mind of what I would like to say to that person.  Sometimes I charm them with my humor and win them over....other times, I lose what little filter I have and tell them exactly what I think.

Neither scenario ever makes me feel better afterword.

 The truth is I get wrapped up in those who don't like me because I don't like me.

I know who I am. Good stuff and bad stuff.  I am not proud of the bad stuff...and those who don't like me only see me for the bad stuff.

I am afraid of liking myself.

It's not about the "haters."

Its about me.


Fear paralyzes us and we have a choice!  We can look our fears straight in the face or we can hide.

What I have learned is that when we hide, we can't move forward.
We are just stuck, sittin' in our own "filth"  and nobody can rescue us but us.

I don't want my head to be so full of fear that I have no room to dream.
Dreaming is what I do-it's my thing.  When I am busy being afraid......I can't do my thing.

I need to get real good and busy being the best me I can be and have enough self awareness to know when I am being a real "toot" so that I don't miss reality. Reality is deciding that you and I are not the victim of our life circumstances.

Reality is knowing perfection is not the goal,  and restoration is. It's not a race, but a marathon.

Summertime Memories

I have a love-hate relationship with summer.  I love flip flops, ice cream, swimming, the smell of freshly cut grass, suntan lotion, lemonade, and cookouts. I hate mosquito bites, humidity, sweating, sunburns, and the pressure I feel to find my kids something to do everyday to keep them out of my hair until it is time to go back to school. I see all the pins on Pinterest suggesting "101 Things To Do This Summer With Your Kids," and while I pin them to my "Perfect Mom" board, the likelihood of my actually opening the link and reading the article is slim-very slim.  (My "Mother of the Year" crown is on back order.)

I don't know about you, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to make these "Hallmark Moment" family vacations for our kids and in reality, no matter how hard I plan, those vacations never turn out like I had pictured it in my mind. 

The truth is that when I reflect on the those summer memories of my own childhood, it is the simple things that were often unplanned and completely part of the fabric of our everyday lives that stand out most to me.  I grew up living in the same town as a lot of my cousins and both sets of grandparents.  In the summer, it was not uncommon to find us all at my grandparents house.  My Mamaw and Papaw lived in the same house for over 50 years.  It was this tiny little buttery yellow house that set on the edge of the Morehead State University campus.  Although our family took lots of fun vacations, it was sitting under the big tree in my grandparents front yard with my Papaw Bill,  digging holes in the dirt with my Mamaw's kitchen spoons with my cousins that I remember the best!  We used to have dance parties (no music needed) in that front yard and when cars would pass we would all freeze in some "cool" pose.  Those are the things that didn't cost a penny, and  looking back, I wouldn't trade for any amount of money!

Moments like these are often hard to manufacture, but they mean so much!  In "Orange" terms, we call this CREATING A RHYTHM. One thing every kid really needs is memorable moments with their families and if we are all being honest, that costs us very little money and in the long run is something money can't by. As we enter this summer, I am challenged to slow down, and take time to enjoy simple moments with my kids, as I suspect it will be in those moments that we make the most memories.

Life's Shift.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” T.S. Eliot

Just as any "blind curve" I never anticipated what was around the corner for me this time last year.  It has been one of those spaces in life that feels like it has lasted an eternity or gone lightning fast, or often feeling as if  it never happened at all.

Without going into detail-I  would describe my life this time last year as doing a 180 in every aspect, over night.

It's in times like these that you hear some of the cliche "go-to" responses from people.  "Everything happens for a reason."  "God has something better for you."  "No, those skinny jeans don't make your butt look big."

I spent a good chunk of the last year giving God a gigantic-over dramatic eye roll.  Just like any "know it all" daughter does with her parents, when they try to tell her that they really do know what is best for her. That was me.

The truth is, it has been one of the darkest and loneliest times in my life.

Sure!  I have lots of  "light reflectors" in my life that kept pointing me in the right direction- but when you feel like you have had the rug pulled out in front of you-sometimes you just want to feel sorry for yourself.

You know when it rains and it is just beating you in the face and your face gets all squished up? That is how I have felt the last year or so.   It was almost as if a gray cloud followed me around and the Saturday Night Live character "Debbie Downer" said "Wha-wha" after all of my sentences.

In sports, they would call this last year a "rebuilding" year. The bank would call it a foreclosure.  A bankruptcy. Teenagers would refer to this season as an "epic fail."

Recently, I was sitting outside on a beautiful spring day.  The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, birds were chirping-life was being blown into everything around me. As I sat, I was distracted by the wind blowing.  As cheesy as this sounds, it was as if God ordered that wind just for me, to get my attention!  As if there had been a terrible storm and when it was over he whispered "It's over. The bad part is over-it's safe now!" 

I just sat there, as the wind blew, and let God "speak" assuring me...to be myself...to make friends, to trust, to lead, to laugh and be happy!

God used those people who love me the most to shine light on the path when I couldn't see.  When I was down and felt sorry for myself, they didn't give up.  They were God's hands and feet and taught me about grace and unconditional love. They never turned their back on me-they love me through the dark part! They were my own special fireflies.

I am so thankful for the shift.  No more looking back for I am not going that way!

                    He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5



Hurry up and WAIT!

We teach our kids that PATIENCE is WAITING UNTIL LATER FOR SOMETHING YOU WANT NOW.

I HATE to wait.  HATE IT!

Everytime I say those words I am convicted.

"Waiting until later for something you want now...."

 I reflect on all the things that I do not want to wait for.

I want a new house.   ......and I want it NOW!  There are other things I want NOW that I have to wait on. My career, financial security, raising the kids, I could go on and on..

Jeff Manion would call this my "Land Between."  The space between here and there, the place where you are and the place where you want to be-when your just waiting.  You can fill that "blank" in with just about anything...we all are waiting on something.

I LOVE to be in control.  I want to be in charge of how my life plays out.  I have a feeling that God gets a real kick out of me....

In Issaiah 55: 8
It says:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.

Which means STOP trying to make it YOUR way-when my (God) ways are bigger and  better!  Just trust! JUST WAIT!

What if we got real good and cozy with waiting?  What if there was a lesson to be learned during the time that we wait? 

I feel like God gives us one of three answers to our prayers. Yes, No, and NOT NOW.

I think that it is one of the many things our generation is lacking.... BEING CONTENT.

We have not had to WAIT on anything-ever!

Webster defines Contentment as:  feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation

Why can't we just be happy with what we have? We need to stop thinking bigger and better and count our blessings and enjoy the wait!  There are lessons in every season! Don't miss out!