Fools Rush In

In 6th grade, (1993)  I was sitting at my kitchen table rolling my hair with Caruso HairSetters when my little brother knocked over the steamer and the water poured all over my bare arm.

As you can imagine- I reacted!

I ran to the kitchen sink and turned the cold water on and stuck my arm under it as fast I could.

When we feel pain-we react fast to do what we can to make that pain go away.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.. we are wired reactors.  We are made to react.

Welcome Home

I have been watching Billy Graham’s funeral here and there as I do laundry and do work... I was able to catch the part of the funeral when his children spoke about him.

Admittedly, I have heard stories about his daughter Ruth that didn’t always hold her in a good light...I had heard she was kind of the “black sheep”  of the family...

Friendship Breakups and Growing Up

I love television-mostly comedies but I am not limited by it.  I love The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, New Girl, The Mindy Project, Parks and Recreation, Meet The Goldbergs, The Blacklist, Dateline, The Ellen Degeneres Show, anything on HGTV, and find Netflix takes my addiction to television to a new level.


One show that I have managed to avoid is The Bachelor, which is odd because of my passion for television but the whole premise always annoyed me.

A few weeks ago, that all changed.  I was busy doing something and The Bachelor was on in the background.  You guys, it was like a train wreck!  I couldn't help but watch.

The drama and the level of absolute INSANITY that these women possess is fascinating.

I guess it isn't surprising considering there are 12ish beautiful women in 1 house trying to win the affection of 1 man.  It is the perfect storm for high drama and high conflict!


POP. THE. CORN.

I am going to get over you..

Oh Lord, I am going to try to tackle a subject that is
deeply personal and yet universal in all of our lives.

Heart break.

 I have avoided this kind of sharing because lots of people read this blog that I know-
like know personally.

My parents, my siblings, my grandma, my in laws, family members, friends, pastors, and lots of people that just plain know me.

It's easier to write to strangers about personal things... WHY IS THAT?

I will try to keep this light-intertwined with perspective and just enough detail to keep you interested.


My first real heart break comes to you from way back....back in the day, as they say.
We were High School Sweethearts- together for 3 years but in my mind, I had  our wedding planned,  our kids named, and had already made lots of other plans for our long life together.

In all my daydreaming, I  had practically perfected a beautifully signed signature with his last name attached to mine in preparation for all the  future Christmas cards, checks, permission slips,
we would sign someday.

As per usual, I lived in a world called SOMEDAY.

I had just transferred to a new college 4 hours from home and was conflicted
 with emotions.    You see, my long time boyfriend and I had decided that a
long distance relationship was not in the stars for us.

At least I think we decided.  It seemed logical.
Fine.

I think that, for my part, I didn't take our agreement to part ways as serious as he did.  I thought things would stay the same-we just wouldn't have the titles.  I would live 4 hours away and we would see each other once a month, when I came to town to get my braces tightened. 
(This shows you that it's been a while since I have been in the dating game. I was an infant.)

In my foggy haze of denial, I packed up my Honda CR-V  and left my little town- headed  250 miles away. It never occurred to me that I was closing a big chapter of my life.
 I thought nothing would change-nothing ever changes when you are 19 years old. 

In my delusion, I settled into my new dorm, met new friends, and was learning more about my new found independence on my own in a new place.  

I wish I could say that the guy that broke my heart was a real jerk.  I wish I could say that he was no good and trouble with a capital T, but the truth is, he was a sweet boy who treated me like gold.  He never raised his voice to me and always went along with any idea or plan I had made.  He was gentle and attentive and by all accounts thought I was the cat's meow.

Growing up is tough because you change.  When you are 16,17, 18, 19 years old, you just don't see yourself as changing.  (I think this is true for when you are 34 as well.) You think that you have learned all there is to know about life and the reality is-you don't.. like at all.
You know nothing.

Breaking up was hard for both of us.  Like I said, I digested my pain with denial and he digested his pain with well, reality.   While my head was in the clouds imagining how our first child's nursery would be decorated, he was actually moving on.

I remember where I was in my dorm when I heard that he had started seeing someone else.  I was shocked!  I was devastated.
The down side to not accepting reality is that the world doesn't play along with you.

He had moved on without me.

He was not a monster-he just kept going on with his life.  His world did not stop when I moved away.

I spent at least a month in my pink bathrobe watching Hope Floats on a 13 inch TV/VCR combo set. The movie would end and I would rewind it and watch it again.  It was pathetic-I was pathetic.

I just laid there in waded up snot rags feeling sorry for myself.

I tortured myself by thinking of all the new things he was doing with this new girl in my town-OUR TOWN! Hanging out with my friends-our friends!  I would go back home each month and would be smothered with memories and grieve him as if he was dead.
I would beg God to not let me run into him and in the next breath, beg God to let me run into him.

Some wise musicians of my generation Kriss Kross would say I was "wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!"

I had to grieve all those things I had dreamed about for us.  I had to learn to live with memories and know that -that was all they would ever be.  I would only see him from my life's rear view mirror, that seemed to be getting farther and farther away from what once was.

I don't know why it is, that when you are heartbroken you can't see how irrational you are acting?

 You create scenarios in your mind, like the ones you have seen in the movies where the one that breaks your heart, changes their minds and comes running back to you.  (In those scenarios in my head it always included rain, a rock, and a bedroom window.)   You pray that they will regret it someday and that there is a moment in their future where they will realize that you were the best thing that ever happened to them. 

You are absolutely certain that every song about heartbreak is specifically written about you. 

Everything about your life will feel like a Taylor Swift  music video.

Here is the reality about heartbreak:  It sucks.  There is nothing worse.  You can't fix it.  You can't hide from it.  It will have you asking all your friends if they think you are prettier than the new girl out of complete and total desperation.
Here is the reality check you have all been waiting for... Take a few months and wallow. Eat pizza and gallons of whatever kind of icecream you want. Watch chick flix and sob.  Look at old pictures and remember.  Talk to your friends.

Then.. get your sorry butt up and get over it.

You have too much going for you to waste it in la la land.  You  need to be brave and walk straight through it.


Heartbreak leaves us with scars.  They don't really heal exactly the same, you walk with limp.  You are different.

You learn. You grow. You keep walking.
You learn to live with the limp and after a while, you get used to it.

If I had to go back and change anything, I wouldn't.  I needed that dose of reality, I needed to learn that having my head in the clouds isn't always so dreamy.  I learned to see reality and appreciate people in my life and what they teach me even if it is only for short time.

I still walk with a limp but I still keep walking.  I have learned that what lies ahead of me is far greater than what I leave behind.

If you are dealing with a broken heart I want to encourage you to keep walking straight through it.

You can and you will get through this.

Keep walking.. your future is waiting!  Spoiler Alert....it all turns out exactly the way it should! 



Currently listening to: I'm Going To Get Over You by Sara Bareilles

Sand Trapping

Have you ever noticed that if you pick up a handful of sand and squeeze it really tight it just pours right out?  HOWEVER! If you scoop up the sand and cup it in your opened hand-it stays...

(...and yes, in my picture, it is sugar.  I live in Indiana, people!  Who do you think I am? Jimmy Buffett? ) 

Anyway.

I think the same goes for the people in our life.  If we try to hold on too tight, they can slip away.  Our intentions are to protect the ones we love by being over protective, and maybe a little over possessive, because we love them so much and don't want to lose them.

 The truth is, nobody wants to be smothered or controlled and what we truly fear, ends up happening as our loved ones flee from our tight grip.

We want to be in relationships with people who trust us and give us the freedom to fly and support us even when we strike out.  When we give the people in our lives the freedom to fly, they will feel respected and valued and they will return to us again and again and again.


This is not a revolutionary thought, but paints a very accurate picture of what it means to "catch and release."

We all can think relationships in our lives where we might have held on too tightly.  We did so out of fear, but lost in the long run. Maybe it was with a friend, a child, a parent, a sibling, or a spouse...our intentions were pure, but we held on too tight out of fear.  Fear of losing them, fear of NOT being in control of them and pushed them away.

Dr. Phil says:
"what we fear, we create."

I think he is right.

The things that we usually fear most in our lives end up coming true because we are so busy focusing on the fear-than actually enjoying the time we have.

We all want to be loved but we also want freedom to grow and to breath. Maybe it's time we let go. Maybe we need to open up our hands and let the people in our lives take a breath!  Trust them!  Trust God.

Let's practice!

I'm Not Who I Was

 There is an age old proverb about self awareness that goes:

 

We have all known someone that refuses to see their actions as wrong or selfish-at least in the moment. It is as if the world really does revolve around them-it's their world and we are just living in it.

I think it is safer to play the victim than be guilty of acting a fool.  Being the victim to life's circumstances is like laying on the couch in your sweats, wrapped in a warm blanket, watching football.  It's  oh so comfortable .....I can almost smell the chilli cookin' on the stove.  

Speaking of football, Graham Gano, Kicker for the North Carolina Panthers, wanted to show us all what it is it like to be an entitled victim during his warm up time a couple of weeks ago:

(For those of you reading from your phone and can not see this video click HERE )

Thanks, Graham. Got it.

Wonder what Graham was thinking as he took the field to warm up?  I know what he was thinking, because I have had similar thoughts in my own life's circumstances:

"They are in my way!  I have to warm up! This is MINE! I never get to __________ because _________________.   ME! ME! ME!   I! I! I!"


His own voice was so loud in his head that he could not see anything else around him.  (Or, in his case, he couldn't hear the trombone that was literally playing in his ear.)


I wonder how many times, I have done this in my own life?  How many times I have been so fed up with my circumstances, that I could not see what was happening on the field because I was blinded by my own intentions?

How many times have I shoved a trombone player out of my way so that I could, once and for all, have my own well deserved moment on the field?

Chances are, after seeing it played over and over and over on national television, this guy is humiliated.  He may never live this one down.  Lucky for us, we are not public figures and we do not have to live the agony of late night talk show hosts making fun of our moments of self indulgence and temper tantrums.

 I have been Graham Gano many, many times in my day and can not promise that I won't again.. but I can promise that I will always try to see my self and how my actions will reflect who I say I am.

Do my actions match my words ..or do they scream:  "YOU OWE ME!"

I hope that  I  can live a life that proves that I am not who I was.

All This Time.

I can remember laying in my bed, in my college apartment, watching as my roommates were getting ready for class when the phone rang and it was my mom telling me that there had been a plane crash into the World Trade Center.

The first thing I thought was that it must have been an accident.  I imagined something must have gone wrong with the plane!

As I was on the phone, I told my roommates to go turn on our tiny 13 inch television in the living room so that we could watch  the news, when a second airplane hit the second tower!

Our country was under an attack.

In that very moment, for the three of us 20 year old girls standing in an apartment in Indiana and for the rest of the entire world,

things would never be the same.

13 years have flashed before our eyes.  I look at my children (ages 10,8, and 5) and realize that they do not know a life without terrorism and war.  Our kids do not know what it is like to live without Homeland Security.

It's always a humbling feeling to explain to a child what happened on September 11, 2001.
I imagine, as a child, it must feel the same way it feels when I hear about President Kennedy being assassinated, I wasn't born, but the people who were, remember exactly where they were and what they were doing.

We can't understand the logistics.

Why are we hated so much?

In the eyes of a child, it's even harder to imagine the hatred that is aimed toward us.

"Maybe, if they knew our family, maybe they would like America!?" said one of my kids.


The answer is, we don't know why the hatred for us has boiled over for them!

What we can know is that our God is bigger than terrorism, bigger than war, bigger than hate,  bigger than violence and threats.

We can trust that God is compassionate and grieves with us. God is a peaceful God and a God that comforts.

We can have faith, we can have hope and we can have love... and I think that they are stronger than any terrorist group. 
As parents, we don't have to have the answers, when we can point our children to God and direct their hearts to a trusting relationship with Him!


"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." 
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 The Message Version

Hey! Leggo my EGO!

Confession: I have a really big ego and I like to control most everything.

I am prideful and I do NOT like to admitting I am wrong or that I made a mistake.

I tend to put the blame on others-pointing out their flaws and how it is always someone else's fault-NOT MINE!

My natural insticts tell me that admitting defeat, is a sign of weakness. 

God has broken this in me lately. Well... maybe not "broken" but made it clear to me.  When I feel rejected or betrayed, I wanted all parties to pay!  I want to so badly to shout from the mountain tops how wrong they were!  Playing the victim is much more fun and rewarding!

This is how I react!  What I have learned is that when I find myself in these moments, I need to resist all my instincts and stay quiet.  I need to process what I am feeling and think things through so that I can RESPOND in an appropriate way.

Sometimes weeks, months, maybe even years must pass before the smoke can clear and you can find yourself  thinking clearly.  To understand that nothing is really one sided and that you own something in whatever conflict you find yourself in.  We could chase our tails trying to prove who was in the wrong but the only fact we need recognize is that we hurt someone we love. No if's, ands, or buts about it.

As I have mentioned earlier-we may try to JUSTIFY our motives, but the brass tax is this:

 treating someone poorly is never an excuse.

The truth is that it was ME who needed to admit I was wrong.  It was ME who had a lesson to learn.
 I put my EGO aside and waved my white flag...and said the 3 hardest words I have ever had to say....

"I am sorry."

Sometimes your appolgies aren't accepted, but the good news is, freedom does not come from someone's forgiveness of you or me, but it comes from our willingness to admit our wrongs, take the blame, expose our guilt, forgive OURSELVES and keep rowing our boat...trusting God with the rest.

Holding onto bitternes get's us nowhere…

we need to follow God's example by showing mercy and grace to those who have hurt us–
"It is finished, you don’t owe me anymore…I am letting the debt of wrongdoing go!!!”

That is when you will be Free.  We are new!