Put Up Your Dukes!

We have all heard the phrase "choose your battle."  When we choose our battle, we decide what is worth the effort, what is worth the work, what is worth the fight.

I can remember when our oldest was a toddler and she was learning to pick up her toys, I liked having everything in order.  Toys  went in one tub, dolls in another, books on the shelf, and so on.  When our helpful little toddler would pick up her toys she would just throw any toy in any tub with no rhyme or reason.  My eyelid would twitch as she did everything out of order. One day, it hit me like a brick wall! 

"What is more important?  That she picks the toys up by herself, or that she does it the way I want?"

Reality check:  The key was that she was cleaning up her room BY HER SELF!

So I had to choose my battle.

I once heard that there are 2 kinds of parents.  Grace Parents and Truth Parents.

Grace parents are the ones that bake cookies or always have time to order a pizza for all their kid's friends. If you push them on an issue like bonus allowance or getting that extra 30 minutes of TV time, they’ll usually bend. If they have something difficult to say, well, they might not say it at all, and if they do, they might speak it so gently you hardly heard the issue when it was finally raised. They smile a lot. They are always, so stinking nice.

Truth parents are "by the book" types. Facts are facts and rules and rules. If bed time is 7:30, it’s 7:30 – why would you even ask for an extension? And the kids (especially teens) should fully understand everything the Bible says because obedience matters. The truth may not be pretty, but someone needs to stand up for it, say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. Jesus said if you love God, you’ll obey him. So obey. (THE FIRST TIME!)


I am not suggesting that we become push over parents so that our kids can have whatever they want in life OR that we should be as military as possible so our kids never get out of line.
I am just taking a cue from John 1:14 that Jesus came ‘full of grace and truth’. Grace and truth. Not grace or truth. But both. Together. Grace and truth.

I feel like should have this written and hung in every room in my house to remind me.  Jesus lived this one out. He never spoke the truth apart from grace, and never spoke grace that lined up with truth.

So here’s the challenge this week: as you interact in your family:

• Speak the truth with grace
• Speak grace with truth.

For me, this means, I might have to take a minute and think before I speak in anger, or when I’m tempted to simply be nice in a way that’s void of truth, I’ll also pause and reframe.

Our battle is the shape of our kid's heart.  The WHO not the WHAT they become.  The reality is the WHO shapes the WHAT!

Truth and Grace.

Fight for the Heart.

Parents Just Don't Understand

Look Familiar?
Do you remember the day, the month, the year that you looked at your parents and thought to yourself:

 "They have no idea what it is like to be a kid."

I do and I suspect that most all of us could agree it happened somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. (For me, it was 1992-1996ish)  I remember when my dad picked me up from school one day, and as we were walking to our car, ran into some of the boys in my class tossing football, when Dad decided he should play too.  The boys thought it was awesome, I was horrified.  I also recall my mom always wanting to call my friends parents to confirm that it would be ok if I came over to spend the night, and also to confirm they would be home.  My parents were known in my circle of friends as being "strict." I always felt so uncool.

 It's as if, over night, our parents became completely oblivious to anything near the "cool" spectrum.  Everything that they did and said was horribly embarrassing and never relevant to your life or way of thinking. 

Turns out, they were actually onto something!

There are two things I think parents of teenagers must remember.

1. Parents are THE MOST influential people in their kid's life.  Influential doesn't always mean you will be popular or that you will be your child's "BFF."  Being influential means that we make the rules, we set the tone, we lead by our example, we provide, we point to what is most important, we give advice, we protect, we get nosey, and we hold them accountable. Most importantly our influence, like leadership, is a stewardship, and parents, WE are accountable.

2. There WILL come a time when your kids will shut you off. Their friendships will become the center of their world.  As parents I think part of our influence is to be very intentional about planting mentors in our kid's life. What if, when our kids turned 13 years old, we assigned them 3-4 mentors for them to interact with that year.  Someone who will be a voice in our kid's life saying the same thing we are, only in a different, maybe even cooler way!?

I can think of several people who were planted in my life as a teenager that, without their influence, I might have made some wrong turns along the way.  These people were Sunday School teachers, school teachers, older cousins, cheerleading coaches, youth leaders, camp counselors and so on.

By WIDENING THE CIRCLE in our kid's life, we leverage our influence in a proactive way!  When we as parents start leading with the end in mind, we become less concerned about our popularity with our kids or even about our kid's popularity and more about a bigger picture.

Who can you purposely plant in your teenager's life?  Be intentional. Keep in mind of what your kid's interests are, what they are good at, what they struggle with and from there, think of who could speak into their lives that have similar interests or stories so that can easily relate to.

Remember, it's not about WHAT they will become, but WHO they become. What we do now, counts later.

Orange Parents: Widen the Circle
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity

Widen the Circle.

QUALITY vs QUANTITY

Operations.
Systems.

All businesses have them-well, all GOOD businesses have them.  It's how they run their ship.  It's policies and plans and strategies for how they function.

As I type this, I am looking around my house on this Saturday afternoon, clean laundry piled next to me on the couch, toys thrown, winter coats thrown over chairs, stacks of various school papers, mail, and books piled, and I, in my pajamas with my feet propped up here at 2:31pm.

Confession: We didn't get our Christmas tree taken down until mid January.

I am thinking that somewhere along this 10 year "nest building" journey, Adam and I have neglected to get some "systems" in place for running our family ship.

It often feels like chaos.

To look at us, it may appear we have some kind of routine, our clothes match, we are bathed, hair is combed and we are generally on time to things, but the truth is...LIFE is RUNNING US-instead of US RUNNING IT.

Our kids are 8, 5.5, and 2.5 years old.  Time is flying. 

In my last post, I talked about keeping "the end in mind," and focusing more on WHO our kids become than WHAT they become.

Lately, it has been on my heart to start being more intentional about the time we spend together. 

Life is crazy!  We are busy!  Some may believe that a family should spend as much time together as possible.  Some may believe that it is important to get their kids involved in everything possible, that their social calendars are what's most important.  I tend to fall somewhere in the middle.

The truth is, we could sit all day in this house together and never speak to each other, do anything together, or go anywhere.   I don't believe that good parenting comes from just being in the same room.  On the other hand, if we over involve our kids, we are so busy getting them to connect with others, that we don't connect with them.

It comes down to this: Quality vs Quantity.

Quantity is the amount of time.  Quality is what you do with the time.

In the end, it is the WHAT we did together that will matter, not the AMOUNT of time.

As parents we need to be intentional about CREATING A RHYTHM with our kids.  Traditions, moments, shared experiences that will last a lifetime.  I call those moments, "heart snapshots."  A moment in time that will be written on their hearts...forever.

How are we spending our time?  What are we showing our kids, by our day to day lives  is most important?  What are we missing out because we don't take the time to notice?

One day, they will be grown.  I do not want to look back on their childhood years and think "It's a good thing the house was clean...." or, "I am sure glad that they were involved in every sport offered."   Spend time with them. Make a mess.  Connect with them on their level. Get to know them. Encourage them. They will be little for a short time, you can clean your house later.

Create a Rhythm.

Orange Parents
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity

Focus on the END

Do you want to know what is pretty chaotic and completely unpredictable?  Parenting.

Think about it! When we buy a microwave, we get an instruction manual.  We buy a computer, we get an instruction manual. Get this!  Even poptarts come with instructions!

At some point in every parent's life they are given this tiny little human and hurried off on their merry way with absolutely NO IDEA what to do with them.

Something I have noticed is that with each stage of our kids life, there is this ultimate milestone we are trying to achieve.  With a newborn our goal is sleeping through the night and getting them on a feeding schedule, then on to rolling over, sitting up, crawling, holding their bottles, and walking.  With a toddler our goal is eating solid food, sippy cups, and potty training. Preschool is all about getting along with others, sharing, and taking turns.  Elementary school is about reading and writing
 making friends...

....I think you get the picture. 

The point is, there is always something we are working toward.  I know there are times in my own parenting where I am struggling  to get to that next milestone, just trying to survive!

A few years ago, I was at The Orange Conference in Atlanta, GA, and heard a very wise illustration that changed how I have seen parenting and even how I do ministry. We were challenged to see parenting NOT as raising kids, but as raising adults!

What a concept!

I can remember very vividly when I was learning to drive.  I had Driver's Ed. with a police officer and he had me drive in and out of orange cones in the high school parking lot to practice my steering skills.  I did pretty well on the first 2 or 3 turns but somewhere around turn 4 I began driving over and hitting cones.  I couldn't figure out why I was messing up so badly.

The police officer laughed at me and pointed out that I was too focused on what was coming up next and needed to focus on the END and use my peripheral vision for the turns.

Is it me, or does that seem a lot like parenting?  We get so busy looking at what is next that we lose focus of the big picture!  As our kids get older we start to worry about WHAT they will be involved in and WHAT college they will choose, and WHAT profession they will be in-  which is all valid but maybe we should ask ourselves WHO they will be as they grow!

What if we started raising our kids with WHO they would be as adults in mind?

If a mission is only as good as its strategy then what is your mission as a parent? When you drop them off at college someday, and drive away, WHO will you be leaving?

Who do we want our kids to be?

Personally, I want my kids to be compassionate, loving, independent and trustworthy.  I want them to be a good friend, a good spouse, and a good parent. I want them to laugh and not sweat the small stuff!   I want them to have a heart for serving others.  I want them to recognize where they are gifted and use their gifts for God's glory!

If I want this for my children, everything I do in raising them should point to helping them become just that!

It's our job to lead our kids.  It's our  job to be examples and have a plan of action!  It's a worthy cause and not for the weary!


HOMEWORK:
What is your family mission statement?  What are you about?  How do you let your kids know what it means to be in your family.  Do you ever talk to them about the kind of person you want them to be when they are grown?

Would that change how you do things around your home? 

I say we make a sign with our mission statement and hang it where everyone can see it as a reminder of WHO WE ARE!


Focus on the END.


ALSO: Check out www.orangeparents.org
and read THIS BOOK