Changing Seasons

I am reading a book by one of my most favorite authors Shauna Niequest called

 "Bittersweet: Thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way."

It's not a new book.  I have actually had it for several years just sitting on my shelf waiting for me to read it.

The truth is,  I knew what it was about- I started to read it about 4 years ago, and I stopped.  I stopped because it was too personal for me.  It was a painful season in my life and I was wounded and still too  bloody to fully absorb the bandages of healing that Shauna's words could do for my beat up heart.

Today, I think that time has passed and the cracks of my heart have been sealed nicely (with mostly peanut butter) that I can hear what this book had to say to me.

Four years ago I left a job I had been at and it was ugly.





I don't write this because I was innocent, (in fact I contributed my fair share to the ugliness)-I write this because it is true..and I have a feeling there is growth enough in this story for anyone who has had to let go of some thing-some one-some place before they were ready.

It's about taking time in the midst of change and weather them well.

When life is sweet, to say thank you, and celebrate.  When life is bitter, to say thank you, and grow.

Preface: I know that there are readers of this blog that will be able to recall the exact season of my life I am writing about, you will know the names, the faces, the places, and feelings that swirled into this messy time and I do not want to be disrespectful of that. For those of us who have ever made a pancake will know that no matter how flat you make that pancake, there is always 2 sides.  This is only my side-and I hope to share it with humility, respect and vague details.

Leaving a community that you have loved and poured your blood, sweat, and tears into, is never easy. Sometimes we leave because we get a new job, move away, or have dreams for what could be... and sometimes we leave because of broken relationships, anger, hurt, or fear.

Regardless of the why's, time always seems to lead to change for all of us. Change just has a great way of  sneaking up on us, even when we try to avoid it!  Dang it!   For me, leaving my position was already in the works. Lots of  natural circumstances fell into place and all signs were pointing in a different direction than I had been going for the last 6  years leading up to where I was standing at that time.  I had told those I worked closely with, who happened to be my most dear and closest friends, that it was coming, and together we came up with the details of how it would all unfold.

It's weird how leaving something that you know is right can still feel so hard.  It's hard to watch your team carry on without you-make plans without you and dream without you.  As they should!  The world doesn't stop just because I am not going to be there anymore!  NO less painful, though.

I started to feel left out and unimportant as if nothing I had done had ever mattered.

Do you know why I felt that way?  I told myself it was so!  Nobody but my own self told me how to feel.

I started to get jealous and paranoid! As if the world was out to get me!

I was swirling  and spiraling downward in a twister of my own insecurities and self doubt.

Then, nearly 2 weeks before my last day, things got ugly.  Something had been brought to my attention that didn't add up.  Lines were blurry.. felt secretive and shady.  I reached my boiling point and started reacting by my emotions and not responding with reason.

When we react by our emotions-we almost always regret it.

Though the things leading up to my emotional outburst could have been handled wiser by all involved, I can only take ownership  for my actions.

I pointed fingers and made accusations.  I didn't go to the person directly.  I ASSumed.

...and then I was asked to take the rest of my time off.  I think I might have been fired-it was never clearly stated- they just needed to "eliminate stressers."  Which I think means I was fired.

I was wrecked.

I had lost everything and relationships I had spent years building.

I didn't trust them anymore.  Honestly, I don't think I trusted anyone. I started picturing alliances and rumors spreading and everyone deciding that I was the enemy.

We always want to clear our name-point the finger at who really started it!  "They hit me first!"

I alienated myself from everyone and became depressed. I  felt like I had nobody...

What a mess!  It felt like I was swimming and swimming and couldn't reach the surface to catch my breath!  Drowning in my own thoughts!  When I  finally came up for air and could breath and think it was too  late.  I tried to reconcile but friendships were broken for good. My apology wasn't good enough.

I am a fixer-and I couldn't fix it.

My season has been WINTER for the last five years.  Dead. Cold. Bitter. Grief.

I can tell you now, that I am in a new season FINALLY!  I can just feel it!

I can see life budding all around me!  New hope, friendships, and the dreams of what could be, are all blossoming!  The promise of Easter-life after death! The sound of my kids laughing, friends that feel like brothers and sisters, candles that smell like suntan lotion, freshly painted toe nails and a new pair of flip flops, seeing people become who they were made to be!  My heart is warm and wearing sun glasses again...

Life is not meant to be only sweet and never bitter just as it's not supposed to be only bitter and never sweet.  It's a balance of both.  The thing is-we are never alone in any season..God is with us and shows up in all the helpers.  Look around... God shows up if you just notice!


When life is sweet, we say thank you, and celebrate!  When life is bitter, we say thank you, and grow.

And so it will  be, as God is recreating me:  Summer. Autumn. Winter. Spring.

Currently listening to: Every Season by Nichole Nordeman