I once heard Andy Stanley say that if we are interested in finding out our weaknesses, then we should ask the people that work with us. He says that the people we work with are never surprised by our weak spots.
Isn't this same idea true with our kids? The truth is, our families have a front row seat to our lives and most of the time we forget they are watching us! We have all heard the phrase that parents will say to their kids: "Do as I say, not as I do." Kids hate that- and rightly so.
As parents, if we are truly concerned with WHO our kids turn out to be, then we need to be even more concerned with WHO we are! If we are the most influential people in their life, then what are we teaching them by how we live our own life?
Are we practicing what we are preaching? What are our kids gathering about WHO we are? What is the view from the front row?
If we expect our kids to value integrity then we have to live it, for more is caught than taught.
As parents, we are always being thrown curve balls and our kids are watching us. We must lead ourselves before we lead ANYONE.
Right before Moses lead the Israelites into Israel, he gave them one last pep talk. He said:
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[b] 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Catch that? Moses told the Israelites to LEAD YOURSELF then LEAD YOUR FAMILY!
Parenting is NOT about your kids seeing you as PERFECT.. you will NEVER be able to pull it off! Parenting is about your story of RESTORATION and REDEMPTION. It is about showing them where you have been, where you are, and where you are going. The truth is, our kids will never outgrow our influence. When they are grown and living their own life, they will still be watching us.
Here are some Self Tests we should all try to revisit as we continue this parenting journey.
1. It’s about you, not them.
Do a heart check. It’s great to want your child to be honest or responsible. But why? Is it because you want to see that in them? Or is it also because you want to be known as a mom or dad with great kids? Kids can smell their parents motives a mile away. If you make their life about you-take a few steps back and PUNT! I don't think that it is ever too late for a parent to drop their ego.
2. You aren’t modeling what you’re saying.
I read a quote once that said "I can't hear you, your actions are speaking so loud that I can't hear what you are saying" It’s one thing to tell your kids to control their temper. It’s another thing to control yours. It goes without saying that what you do carries far more influence than what you say, unless what you say is consistent with what you do.
3. You and your spouse aren’t on the same page.
Kids know how to manipulate the "system." They know who the softy parent is and who is the rule follower. Do not let your kids divide your relationship. We tell our kids that mommy and daddy are on the same team.
4. You fail to do what you said you were going to do.
At a very young age, you kids figure you out! If you don't follow through, your kids notice. If you set a consequence, you better be ready to follow through. If you say you are going to do something, then you better do it. Your kids will lose trust in you when you are inconsistent. (this one is HARD! and I fail regularly!)
5. You are a controlling parent.
It's tough, but kids need to learn defeat. When we hoover over our children and control their every move, we are not preparing them for the real world. YES! Set rules! YES! Sent boundaries! The key is knowing the difference in setting boundaries and being a puppeteer. We are raising adults... plan accordingly.
If you start to address issues like these, you will grow in integrity. You will become more of the person you want your child to become.
Make it Personal.
Fight for the Heart.
Create a Rhythm
Widen the Circle
Lead with the END in mind.
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