Life's Shift.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” T.S. Eliot

Just as any "blind curve" I never anticipated what was around the corner for me this time last year.  It has been one of those spaces in life that feels like it has lasted an eternity or gone lightning fast, or often feeling as if  it never happened at all.

Without going into detail-I  would describe my life this time last year as doing a 180 in every aspect, over night.

It's in times like these that you hear some of the cliche "go-to" responses from people.  "Everything happens for a reason."  "God has something better for you."  "No, those skinny jeans don't make your butt look big."

I spent a good chunk of the last year giving God a gigantic-over dramatic eye roll.  Just like any "know it all" daughter does with her parents, when they try to tell her that they really do know what is best for her. That was me.

The truth is, it has been one of the darkest and loneliest times in my life.

Sure!  I have lots of  "light reflectors" in my life that kept pointing me in the right direction- but when you feel like you have had the rug pulled out in front of you-sometimes you just want to feel sorry for yourself.

You know when it rains and it is just beating you in the face and your face gets all squished up? That is how I have felt the last year or so.   It was almost as if a gray cloud followed me around and the Saturday Night Live character "Debbie Downer" said "Wha-wha" after all of my sentences.

In sports, they would call this last year a "rebuilding" year. The bank would call it a foreclosure.  A bankruptcy. Teenagers would refer to this season as an "epic fail."

Recently, I was sitting outside on a beautiful spring day.  The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, birds were chirping-life was being blown into everything around me. As I sat, I was distracted by the wind blowing.  As cheesy as this sounds, it was as if God ordered that wind just for me, to get my attention!  As if there had been a terrible storm and when it was over he whispered "It's over. The bad part is over-it's safe now!" 

I just sat there, as the wind blew, and let God "speak" assuring me...to be myself...to make friends, to trust, to lead, to laugh and be happy!

God used those people who love me the most to shine light on the path when I couldn't see.  When I was down and felt sorry for myself, they didn't give up.  They were God's hands and feet and taught me about grace and unconditional love. They never turned their back on me-they love me through the dark part! They were my own special fireflies.

I am so thankful for the shift.  No more looking back for I am not going that way!

                    He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5



Oh no she didn't!

Last Summer, God locked my reading in the Bible to the book of James.  I read it over and over.  I was in a friendship crisis and felt as though I had nobody to turn to. My whole world was crumbling around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. 
To be clear, I was NOT innocent in any of this-I spoke out of turn and said things that I shouldn't have. I wish there was a "do-over" button, but there isn't! The good news is, that I may not be able to do it over, but I do have the chance to learn from my mistakes and no repeat it again!
Something I read in James chapter 3 about controlling our tongues is this:

When our speech is motivated by Satan it is full of: bitter jealousy, selfish ambition, earthly concerns, unspiritual thoughts and ideas.

When our speech is motivated by Godly wisdom it is motivated by: purity, peace, consideration of others, submission, mercy, sincerity, immortality and goodness.


The truth is, no matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has 2 sides. It is very difficult to see guilt in the mirror! I am embarressed to say that has been true for me.

Perry Noble, Pastor of NewSpring Church in Anderson, South Carolina said it best:

"Some people don't want to talk TO you, they just want to talk ABOUT you."

It is a heck of a lot easier to talk ABOUT someone than TO them!  Nobody really enjoys conflict but we do like when people see "our side."

What if we could all push a pause button before we spoke an asked ourselves what our motive was?

Would it be worth it to say it?  If we could think all the consequences of what we say all the way through, you will still say it?

There is a difference in how we react and how we respond... reacting doesn't think-responding does!

What I learned about leadership by packing a diaper bag..

When our kids were babies and we would leave them with a babysitter, I wanted to make sure that the babysitter felt like she had EVERYTHING she needed to have a smooth couple of hours with my kids.

1. Because I wanted her to WANT to watch them again...

and

2. Because I wanted make sure my kids had everything they needed while I was away from them.

Have you ever noticed what kind of thought process goes into packing a diaper bag?

Anticipation is the name of the game.

It's not just about diapers and wipes, it is a well oiled system that takes planning.

There is so much to consider!  Where are you going? Who will be there?  How many bottles will you need? How much formula? What if there is an accident and need a changed of clothes?  What if it gets cold?  What if he/she gets a fever? Should you pack an extra passy?

It can be exhausting...and you haven't even left your house yet!

I want the person who is watching our kids to feel we have given them plenty of resources and information about our kids, so that the time they spend with our kiddos run as smoothly as possible.


Think about those you lead.

Do they have EVERYTHING they need?  Do anticipate what they MIGHT need to do their jobs successfully?  Does your team feel like they can function without you? 

Just like a mom will do anything to make sure the babysitter WANTS to watch their kids again, I think a leader should make sure that being on their team is so great, that they WANT to stay on your team! (...or better yet, they actually LOVE being on your team!)

Don't be confused, I am NOT saying a leader should DO EVERYTHING for their team, I am saying they should DO EVERYTHING TO EQUIP THEM!  EMPOWER THEM!

In leadership, it is the duty of the leader to do everything possible to see that their team feels as though  they have been trained, equipped, and empowered to do their jobs, not only when the leader is around, but also, when the leader is away! 

"Failure to prepare is preparing to fail." -John Wooden

#anticipate #prepare #empower  #lead

Front Row Seat

I once heard Andy Stanley say that if we are interested in finding out our weaknesses, then we should ask the people that work with us.  He says that the people we work with are never surprised by our weak spots.

Isn't this same idea true with our kids?  The truth is, our families have a front row seat to our lives and most of the time we forget they are watching us!  We have all heard the phrase that parents will say to their kids: "Do as I say, not as I do."  Kids hate that- and rightly so.

As parents, if we are truly concerned with WHO our kids turn out to be, then we need to be even more concerned with WHO we are!  If we are the most influential people in their life, then what are we teaching them by how we live our own life?

Are we practicing what we are preaching?  What are our kids gathering about WHO we are? What is the view from the front row?

If we expect our kids to value integrity then we have to live it, for more is caught than taught.

As parents, we are always being thrown curve balls and our kids are watching us.  We must lead ourselves before we lead ANYONE.

Right before Moses lead the Israelites into Israel, he gave them one last pep talk.  He said:

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

⁴ “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.^{[b] 5} You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.


Catch that?  Moses told the Israelites to LEAD YOURSELF then LEAD YOUR FAMILY!

Parenting is NOT about your kids seeing you as PERFECT.. you will NEVER be able to pull it off! Parenting is about your story of RESTORATION and REDEMPTION.  It is about showing them where you have been, where you are, and where you are going.  The truth is, our kids will never outgrow our influence.  When they are grown and living their own life, they will still be watching us.

Here are some Self Tests we should all try to revisit as we continue this parenting journey.

1. It’s about you, not them.
Do a heart check. It’s great to want your child to be honest or responsible. But why? Is it because you want to see that in them? Or is it also because you want to be known as a mom or dad with great kids? Kids can smell their parents motives a mile away.  If you make their life about you-take a few steps back and PUNT! I don't think that it is ever too late for a parent to drop their ego.
2. You aren’t modeling what you’re saying.
I read a quote once that said "I can't hear you, your actions are speaking so loud that I can't hear what you are saying" It’s one thing to tell your kids to control their temper. It’s another thing to control yours. It goes without saying that what you do carries far more influence than what you say, unless what you say is consistent with what you do. 
3. You and your spouse aren’t on the same page.
Kids know how to manipulate the "system."  They know who the softy parent is and who is the rule follower.  Do not let your kids divide your relationship.  We tell our kids that mommy and daddy are on the same team.
4. You fail to do what you said you were going to do.
At a very young age, you kids figure you out!  If you don't follow through, your kids notice.  If you set a consequence, you better be ready to follow through.  If you say you are going to do something, then you better do it.  Your kids will lose trust in you when you are inconsistent.  (this one is HARD! and I fail regularly!)
5. You are a controlling parent.
It's tough, but kids need to learn defeat.  When we hoover over our children and control their every move, we are not preparing them for the real world.  YES! Set rules!  YES! Sent boundaries!  The key is knowing the difference in setting boundaries and being a puppeteer.  We are raising adults... plan accordingly.

If you start to address issues like these, you will grow in integrity. You will become more of the person you want your child to become.


Make it Personal.

Fight for the Heart.

Create a Rhythm

Widen the Circle

Lead with the END in mind.

Put Up Your Dukes!

We have all heard the phrase "choose your battle."  When we choose our battle, we decide what is worth the effort, what is worth the work, what is worth the fight.

I can remember when our oldest was a toddler and she was learning to pick up her toys, I liked having everything in order.  Toys  went in one tub, dolls in another, books on the shelf, and so on.  When our helpful little toddler would pick up her toys she would just throw any toy in any tub with no rhyme or reason.  My eyelid would twitch as she did everything out of order. One day, it hit me like a brick wall! 

"What is more important?  That she picks the toys up by herself, or that she does it the way I want?"

Reality check:  The key was that she was cleaning up her room BY HER SELF!

So I had to choose my battle.

I once heard that there are 2 kinds of parents.  Grace Parents and Truth Parents.

Grace parents are the ones that bake cookies or always have time to order a pizza for all their kid's friends. If you push them on an issue like bonus allowance or getting that extra 30 minutes of TV time, they’ll usually bend. If they have something difficult to say, well, they might not say it at all, and if they do, they might speak it so gently you hardly heard the issue when it was finally raised. They smile a lot. They are always, so stinking nice.

Truth parents are "by the book" types. Facts are facts and rules and rules. If bed time is 7:30, it’s 7:30 – why would you even ask for an extension? And the kids (especially teens) should fully understand everything the Bible says because obedience matters. The truth may not be pretty, but someone needs to stand up for it, say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. Jesus said if you love God, you’ll obey him. So obey. (THE FIRST TIME!)


I am not suggesting that we become push over parents so that our kids can have whatever they want in life OR that we should be as military as possible so our kids never get out of line.
I am just taking a cue from John 1:14 that Jesus came ‘full of grace and truth’. Grace and truth. Not grace or truth. But both. Together. Grace and truth.

I feel like should have this written and hung in every room in my house to remind me.  Jesus lived this one out. He never spoke the truth apart from grace, and never spoke grace that lined up with truth.

So here’s the challenge this week: as you interact in your family:

• Speak the truth with grace
• Speak grace with truth.

For me, this means, I might have to take a minute and think before I speak in anger, or when I’m tempted to simply be nice in a way that’s void of truth, I’ll also pause and reframe.

Our battle is the shape of our kid's heart.  The WHO not the WHAT they become.  The reality is the WHO shapes the WHAT!

Truth and Grace.

Fight for the Heart.

Parents Just Don't Understand

Look Familiar?
Do you remember the day, the month, the year that you looked at your parents and thought to yourself:

 "They have no idea what it is like to be a kid."

I do and I suspect that most all of us could agree it happened somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. (For me, it was 1992-1996ish)  I remember when my dad picked me up from school one day, and as we were walking to our car, ran into some of the boys in my class tossing football, when Dad decided he should play too.  The boys thought it was awesome, I was horrified.  I also recall my mom always wanting to call my friends parents to confirm that it would be ok if I came over to spend the night, and also to confirm they would be home.  My parents were known in my circle of friends as being "strict." I always felt so uncool.

 It's as if, over night, our parents became completely oblivious to anything near the "cool" spectrum.  Everything that they did and said was horribly embarrassing and never relevant to your life or way of thinking. 

Turns out, they were actually onto something!

There are two things I think parents of teenagers must remember.

1. Parents are THE MOST influential people in their kid's life.  Influential doesn't always mean you will be popular or that you will be your child's "BFF."  Being influential means that we make the rules, we set the tone, we lead by our example, we provide, we point to what is most important, we give advice, we protect, we get nosey, and we hold them accountable. Most importantly our influence, like leadership, is a stewardship, and parents, WE are accountable.

2. There WILL come a time when your kids will shut you off. Their friendships will become the center of their world.  As parents I think part of our influence is to be very intentional about planting mentors in our kid's life. What if, when our kids turned 13 years old, we assigned them 3-4 mentors for them to interact with that year.  Someone who will be a voice in our kid's life saying the same thing we are, only in a different, maybe even cooler way!?

I can think of several people who were planted in my life as a teenager that, without their influence, I might have made some wrong turns along the way.  These people were Sunday School teachers, school teachers, older cousins, cheerleading coaches, youth leaders, camp counselors and so on.

By WIDENING THE CIRCLE in our kid's life, we leverage our influence in a proactive way!  When we as parents start leading with the end in mind, we become less concerned about our popularity with our kids or even about our kid's popularity and more about a bigger picture.

Who can you purposely plant in your teenager's life?  Be intentional. Keep in mind of what your kid's interests are, what they are good at, what they struggle with and from there, think of who could speak into their lives that have similar interests or stories so that can easily relate to.

Remember, it's not about WHAT they will become, but WHO they become. What we do now, counts later.

Orange Parents: Widen the Circle
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity

Widen the Circle.

QUALITY vs QUANTITY

Operations.
Systems.

All businesses have them-well, all GOOD businesses have them.  It's how they run their ship.  It's policies and plans and strategies for how they function.

As I type this, I am looking around my house on this Saturday afternoon, clean laundry piled next to me on the couch, toys thrown, winter coats thrown over chairs, stacks of various school papers, mail, and books piled, and I, in my pajamas with my feet propped up here at 2:31pm.

Confession: We didn't get our Christmas tree taken down until mid January.

I am thinking that somewhere along this 10 year "nest building" journey, Adam and I have neglected to get some "systems" in place for running our family ship.

It often feels like chaos.

To look at us, it may appear we have some kind of routine, our clothes match, we are bathed, hair is combed and we are generally on time to things, but the truth is...LIFE is RUNNING US-instead of US RUNNING IT.

Our kids are 8, 5.5, and 2.5 years old.  Time is flying. 

In my last post, I talked about keeping "the end in mind," and focusing more on WHO our kids become than WHAT they become.

Lately, it has been on my heart to start being more intentional about the time we spend together. 

Life is crazy!  We are busy!  Some may believe that a family should spend as much time together as possible.  Some may believe that it is important to get their kids involved in everything possible, that their social calendars are what's most important.  I tend to fall somewhere in the middle.

The truth is, we could sit all day in this house together and never speak to each other, do anything together, or go anywhere.   I don't believe that good parenting comes from just being in the same room.  On the other hand, if we over involve our kids, we are so busy getting them to connect with others, that we don't connect with them.

It comes down to this: Quality vs Quantity.

Quantity is the amount of time.  Quality is what you do with the time.

In the end, it is the WHAT we did together that will matter, not the AMOUNT of time.

As parents we need to be intentional about CREATING A RHYTHM with our kids.  Traditions, moments, shared experiences that will last a lifetime.  I call those moments, "heart snapshots."  A moment in time that will be written on their hearts...forever.

How are we spending our time?  What are we showing our kids, by our day to day lives  is most important?  What are we missing out because we don't take the time to notice?

One day, they will be grown.  I do not want to look back on their childhood years and think "It's a good thing the house was clean...." or, "I am sure glad that they were involved in every sport offered."   Spend time with them. Make a mess.  Connect with them on their level. Get to know them. Encourage them. They will be little for a short time, you can clean your house later.

Create a Rhythm.

Orange Parents
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity

Focus on the END

Do you want to know what is pretty chaotic and completely unpredictable?  Parenting.

Think about it! When we buy a microwave, we get an instruction manual.  We buy a computer, we get an instruction manual. Get this!  Even poptarts come with instructions!

At some point in every parent's life they are given this tiny little human and hurried off on their merry way with absolutely NO IDEA what to do with them.

Something I have noticed is that with each stage of our kids life, there is this ultimate milestone we are trying to achieve.  With a newborn our goal is sleeping through the night and getting them on a feeding schedule, then on to rolling over, sitting up, crawling, holding their bottles, and walking.  With a toddler our goal is eating solid food, sippy cups, and potty training. Preschool is all about getting along with others, sharing, and taking turns.  Elementary school is about reading and writing
 making friends...

....I think you get the picture. 

The point is, there is always something we are working toward.  I know there are times in my own parenting where I am struggling  to get to that next milestone, just trying to survive!

A few years ago, I was at The Orange Conference in Atlanta, GA, and heard a very wise illustration that changed how I have seen parenting and even how I do ministry. We were challenged to see parenting NOT as raising kids, but as raising adults!

What a concept!

I can remember very vividly when I was learning to drive.  I had Driver's Ed. with a police officer and he had me drive in and out of orange cones in the high school parking lot to practice my steering skills.  I did pretty well on the first 2 or 3 turns but somewhere around turn 4 I began driving over and hitting cones.  I couldn't figure out why I was messing up so badly.

The police officer laughed at me and pointed out that I was too focused on what was coming up next and needed to focus on the END and use my peripheral vision for the turns.

Is it me, or does that seem a lot like parenting?  We get so busy looking at what is next that we lose focus of the big picture!  As our kids get older we start to worry about WHAT they will be involved in and WHAT college they will choose, and WHAT profession they will be in-  which is all valid but maybe we should ask ourselves WHO they will be as they grow!

What if we started raising our kids with WHO they would be as adults in mind?

If a mission is only as good as its strategy then what is your mission as a parent? When you drop them off at college someday, and drive away, WHO will you be leaving?

Who do we want our kids to be?

Personally, I want my kids to be compassionate, loving, independent and trustworthy.  I want them to be a good friend, a good spouse, and a good parent. I want them to laugh and not sweat the small stuff!   I want them to have a heart for serving others.  I want them to recognize where they are gifted and use their gifts for God's glory!

If I want this for my children, everything I do in raising them should point to helping them become just that!

It's our job to lead our kids.  It's our  job to be examples and have a plan of action!  It's a worthy cause and not for the weary!


HOMEWORK:
What is your family mission statement?  What are you about?  How do you let your kids know what it means to be in your family.  Do you ever talk to them about the kind of person you want them to be when they are grown?

Would that change how you do things around your home? 

I say we make a sign with our mission statement and hang it where everyone can see it as a reminder of WHO WE ARE!


Focus on the END.


ALSO: Check out www.orangeparents.org
and read THIS BOOK